The Teen Choice Awards were last night, which wasn’t so much an awards show as it was a way to make surf boards for celebrities for absolutely any reason whatsoever. Seriously, at this point it’s pretty much safe to assume that everyone won something, because every category you could think of was used ad nauseum.
Ultimate Choice Award: Taylor Swift
Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Taylor Swift
Choice Music Breakup Song: “Back to December,” Taylor Swift
Choice Music Female Country Artist: Taylor Swift
Choice Music Country Single: “Mean,” Taylor Swift
Choice Music Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Choice Movie Action: “Fast Five”
Choice Movie Actor Action — Johnny Depp, “The Tourist”
Choice Movie Actress Action — Angelina Jolie, “The Tourist”
Choice Movie Sci-Fi/Fantasy: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”
Choice Movie Villain: Tom Felton, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”
Choice Movie Liplock — Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”
Choice Summer Movie: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”
Choice Summer Movie Star Male: Daniel Radcliffe, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”
Choice Summer Movie Star Female: Emma Watson, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”
Choice Movie Actor Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Taylor Lautner, “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”
Choice Movie Male Scene Stealer: Kellan Lutz, “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”
Choice Movie Female Scene Stealer: Ashley Greene, “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”
Choice Movie Actor Drama: Robert Pattinson, “Water for Elephants”
Choice Movie Actor Romantic Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, “No Strings Attached”
Choice Movie Actress Romantic Comedy: Emma Stone, “Easy A”
Choice Movie Actress Comedy — Cameron Diaz, “Bad Teacher”
Choice Movie Hissy Fit: Ed Helms, “The Hangover Part II”
Choice TV Show Drama: “Gossip Girl”
Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, “Gossip Girl”
Choice TV Show Fantasy/Sci-Fi: “The Vampire Diaries”
Choice TV Actor Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Ian Somerhalder, “The Vampire Diaries”
Choice TV Actress Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Nina Dobrev, “The Vampire Diaries”
Choice TV Male Scene Stealer: Michael Trevino, “The Vampire Diaries”
Choice TV Female Scene Stealer: Katerina Graham, “The Vampire Diaries”
Choice TV Reality Show: “Jersey Shore”
Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: Paul “Pauly D” Del Vecchio, “Jersey Shore”
Choice TV Show Comedy: “Glee”
Choice TV Actor Comedy: Cory Monteith, “Glee”
Choice TV Breakout Star: Darren Criss, “Glee”
Choice Summer Music Star Male: Bruno Mars
Choice Summer Music Star Female: Katy Perry
Choice Summer Song: “Skyscraper,” Demi Lovato
Choice Music Male Artist: Justin Bieber
Choice Twit: Justin Bieber
Choice TV Villain: Justin Bieber, “CSI”
Choice Male Hottie: Justin Bieber
Choice Female Hottie: Selena Gomez
Choice TV Actress Comedy: Selena Gomez, “Wizards of Waverly Place”
Choice Music Group: Selena Gomez and The Scene
Choice Music Single: “Who Says,” Selena Gomez and The Scene
Choice Music Love Song: “Love You Like a Love Song,” Selena Gomez
Choice Comedian: Ellen DeGeneres
Choice Vampire: Robert Pattinson
Choice Web Star: Rebecca Black SOURCE
See what I mean? That isn’t so much a list of awards winners so much as it is an impenetrable wall of text with a bunch of celebrities and vaguely-defined categories. Seriously, the Grammy nominations are less muddied than this, and I’m pretty sure they’re only a few years away from just loading trophies into one of those t-shirt guns they use at baseball games and firing them into a crowd of musicians.
