The Oscars vs. MTV Movie Awards

Normally, when an awards show happens and I need to pad things out for the day, I’ll just post the headline “So [INSERT NAME OF AWARDS HERE] happened last night …”, make a couple jokes about how they’re useless/a metaphorical circle-jerk for Hollywood’s elite, post the award winners, and then point out all the ways the show failed.

But today I’m going to do something different. Since more humor can be wrung from comparing two different things, today I’m going to be comparing the winners of the Academy Awards with the winners of the MTV Movie Awards to see which was better. This will also be the only time anyone will ever honestly compare Meryl Streep and Kristen Stewart. Let’s begin!

Best Actor

For the Oscars, this award went to Jean Dujardin for The Artist, a masterful piece of story-telling that celebrated Hollywood’s olden days by going silent. From the MTV Movie Awards, it went to The Hunger Games‘ star Josh Hutcherson, who played the incredibly useless Peeta, who didn’t really do a whole lot other than lie in the mud and slowly bleed to near-death.

And the award goes too: Jean Dujardin. Both were great movies, but The Artist was magnificent and Jean’s ability to tell a story entirely through facial expressions and physicality beat out Josh’s needy Peeta.

Best Actress

For the Oscars, the award went to Meryl Streep for her portrayal of Elvis Costello‘s least favorite person, Margaret Thatcher. For the MTV Movie Awards, this one went to Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games, for her excellent portrayal of a strong female protagonist who doesn’t throw herself off a cliff when her sparkly gay boyfriend leaves.

And the award goes too: Jennifer Lawrence. SHOCKER! Well, here’s the thing: I wanted to make this something of a fair fight, so I took into consideration Meryl’s masterful performance in a mediocre movie as opposed to Jennifer’s great performance in a great movie. If you average it out, Jennifer’s side as a whole was better, if only because Streep’s performance was really the only thing keeping The Iron Lady going.

Best Movie

For once, a comedy actually won the Oscar for Best Picture, as The Artist narrowly beat out The Descendants. As for the MTV Movie Awards, considering that there was a veritable bevy of movies that were both widely seen, entertaining and objectively great, surely this award went to Bridesmaids, or The Hunger Games. Or maybe even the final Harry Potter movie, or perhaps even the racially-diverse The Help. Let’s see here …

ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING ME? TWILIGHT? The Best Movie award went to yet another turd in the collective social bowel movement that is Twilight? Are you kidding me? Look, in years past, I was disappointed by I expected it: Twilight was awful, yes, but the movies it was going up against were generally just so-so to mediocre. But come on … seriously? Every single movie it was up against was superior to it in every possible way. How does this happen?!

And the award goes to: The Artist. Honestly, I just took time out of my day to write a full-on SCREED decrying the Twilight saga, how did you think this was going to end?

So ultimately, I guess the Oscars are still better than MTV’s Movie Awards, if only because they don’t reward whiny, sexual repression clumsily disguised as vampire-werewolf sex.

FULL LIST OF MTV MOVIE AWARD WINNERS

Movie of the Year
» Bridesmaids
» The Hunger Games
» Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
» The Help
» The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (WINNER)

Best On-Screen Transformation
» Elizabeth Banks, The Hunger Games (WINNER)
» Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
» Johnny Depp, 21 Jump Street
» Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
» Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses

Best Cast
» Bridesmaids
» Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (WINNER)
» The Hunger Games
» 21 Jump Street
» The Help

Best Fight
» Daniel Radcliffe vs. Ralph Fiennes, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
» Jennifer Lawrence & Josh Hutcherson vs. Alex Ludwig, The Hunger Games (WINNER)
» Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill vs. Kid Gang, 21 Jump Street
» Tom Hardy vs. Joel Edgerton, Warrior
» Tom Cruise vs. Michelle Nyqvist, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Best Kiss
» Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, Crazy, Stupid, Love
» Rupert Grint and Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
» Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games
» Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum, The Vow
» Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (WINNER)

Best Female Performance
» Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games (WINNER)
» Kristin Wiig, Bridesmaids
» Emma Stone, Crazy, Stupid, Love
» Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
» Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Best Male Performance
» Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
» Ryan Gosling, Drive
» Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
» Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games (WINNER)
» Channing Tatum, The Vow

Breakthrough Performance
» Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
» Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
» Liam Hemsworth, The Hunger Games
» Elle Fanning, Super 8
» Shailene Woodley, The Descendants (WINNER)

Best On-Screen Dirtbag
» Bryce Dallas Howard, The Help
» Jon Hamm, Bridesmaids
» Jennifer Aniston, Horrible Bosses (WINNER)
» Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses
» Oliver Cooper, Project X

Best Music
» “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO (21 Jump Street) (WINNER)
» “A Real Hero” by College & Electric Youth (Drive)
» “The Devil Is in the Details” by Chemical Brothers (Hanna)
» “Impossible” by Figurine (Like Crazy)
» “Pursuit of Happiness” by Kid Cudi (Steve Aoki remix) (Project X)