Look, I’ll be honest here: I actually have an entire screed I want to tack on here, but before I do that, let’s get to the list of last night’s Grammy award winners because hey–good for them–am I right?
Record of the Year: Sam Smith “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)“
Song of the Year: Sam Smith “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)“
Album of the Year: Beck Morning Phase
Best New Artist: Sam Smith
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: A Great Big World w/ Christina Aguilera “Say Something”
Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga Cheek To Cheek
Best Pop Solo Performance: Pharrell Williams “Happy”
Best Pop Vocal Album: Sam Smith In The Lonely Hour
Best Rock Performance: Jack White “Lazaretto”
Best Rock Album: Beck Morning Phase
Best Rock Song: Paramore “Ain’t It Fun”
Best Alternative Rock Album: St. Vincent St. Vincent
Best Metal Performance: Tenacious D “The Last In Line”
Best Rap Performance: Kendrick Lamar “I“
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Eminem Featuring Rihanna “Monster”
Best Rap Song: Kendrick Lamar “I”
Best Rap Album: Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP2
Best R&B Performance: Beyoncé Featuring Jay Z “Drunk In Love”
Best R&B Song: Beyoncé Featuring Jay Z “Drunk In Love”
Best Urban Contemporary Album: Pharrell Williams Girl
Best Music Video: Pharrell Williams “Happy”
You get the gist of things. Anyway, now for my bit: Remember how last night, Kanye West almost went up onstage because Morning Phase won album of the year? And then he went on that big bitch-and-moan fest about REAL ARTISTS and how they should be respected? And then Twitter jumped in with the “WHO’S THIS BECK PERSON?” stuff? Well, here’s my piece: None of this actually matters, so relax. Seriously, celebrities are basically just imaginary friends for adults. And I should know! I write about them! All that happened last night was that your imaginary friend didn’t get their pudding. Maybe you like Beyoncé more than Beck–or vice versa. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because both parties will still have long, fulfilling, happy lives with or without the aforementioned pudding, and slinging personal attacks at someone over pudding is just childish.