Because today’s theme is apparently “stupid, misogynist a-holes saying horrible things,” Scott Disick reportedly told his girlfriend and baby mama Kourtney Kardashian that she needed to lose weight faster after her pregnancy, because Scott is literally that guy from American Psycho. Kourtney needs to DTMFA before he drops a chainsaw on her from atop a stairwell while ranting about obscure 80’s bands. RadarOnline reports …
“Last time around you tried to watch what you were eating, after you had Mason… at least you were losing weight,” the male socialite whined. When Kourtney protested she’s “trying to [lose weight] the healthy way,” Scott barked at her, “Just do it faster — you’re my piece of machinery!” Crying by this point, Kourtney said, “I feel like it’s definitely harder this time to lose the weight,” to which Scott replied, “If I would have fell in love with you a couple of pounds overweight, this would be my ideal weight, but I fell in love with you when you were super skinny.”
The sad part is, Kris Jenner was probably watching all of this from her office while her eyeballs turned into dollar signs. “This will look great in the promos!” she probably said while she wrapped an orphan in her web so that she could suck his blood out later that night. But in all honesty, Scott really needs to get together with Chris Brown. I bet they’d get on well …
Chris: So then I told Rihanna — you remember Rihanna, I nearly killed her a couple years back. — I told her that her p*ssy belonged to me.
Scott: HA! That’s almost as funny as the time I told my wife I would only love her if she was funny. Hey, what’s that whistling sound? *Both are obliterated after America collectively agrees to firebomb the two of them.*
And everyone else lived happily ever after. The end!