Within the first five minutes of Mirror Mirror, it became quite apparent that I was in a children’s movie. No, I was not in a family movie; those include jokes for adults. Any jokes for adults in this movie were a complete and utter failure. Mirror Mirror is a goofy, ridiculous, completely childish children’s movie and if you are above the age of ten, just stay away.
Lily Collins and Julia Roberts star as Snow White and the evil Queen, respectively. Snow White is a pretty bland fairy tale character and Lily is a pretty bland actress. The real star of this movie is Julia. I would call her performance tolerable at best. In the opening of the film, her narration comes with an English accent … most of the time. Her character never is fully realized and in such a made-for-children children’s movie, the evil Queen should be a devilish caricature. No, Julia shouldn’t be a ham but she should be EVIL not mean. I have seen my gay friends act more evil in their Twitter feuds than Julia in the whole movie.
While the general story is the same, lots of characters and scenery are altered. The mirror is a teleportation device (Fun fact: Tarsem Singh, the director of Mirror Mirror, also directed The Cell and there are a few visual similarities). The dwarves are bandits on hydraulic stilts. The forest is just really snowy. Some of it is funny and some of it is too try-hard.
The only real selling point I have is Oscar-nominee Armie Hammer. He’s shirtless. He’s shirtless multiple times totaling maybe ten minutes of the movie and his body is delicious. It’s not too chiseled; it’s not too flabby … It’s just perfect. It’s the body of a true prince. Have I talked about the perfect amount of chest hair? I blacked out. I’m sorry.
Anyways, if you have kids, take them to Mirror Mirror – they will love it. Nathan Lane is a hoot as always. But if you’re not taking kids, don’t go – it’s very much a children’s movie. Ladies beware, and guys, we know what happened to Pee Wee. And if you’re Sheree Whitfield of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, don’t go because you can’t afford it and need to finish building your house. Now we said it.
I think that the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman will be the Snow White re-telling that grownups will want to see. The battle between Universal and Relativity Media has been interesting to watch and I am very curious to see who wins at the box office in the end.
