Am I an awful person for laughing at Mariah Carey for wiping out onstage during her concert tour? Yes, yes I am. But I’ve come to terms with that part of myself, so it’s okay. Anyway, she of the big voice and bigger waistline managed to fall flat on her ass while in concert, despite doing … well, not exactly a whole lot of dancing. If anything, it was sort of like watching a redwood fall over. I was half expecting some bearded guy in a flannel shirt to yell “TIMBURRRRRRR!”
Now before I get a bunch of angry emails, yes, I will take back everything I said above if she’s actually pregnant, but come on here: Can’t we all just accept the fact that Nick Cannon and Mariah will never have penis-vagina sex and that ice cream is just delicious? Next person to ask how far along I am after I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s gets punched in the taint. I HAVE A PENIS, YOU DOUCHEBAG.