I’m going to be honest: A shitload went down last night at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, and instead of lazily spreading it across an entire day, I’m just going to lump it all together into one meaty morsel. Kind of like a dumpling. Or a turducken. Point is, there’s no way in hell I’m writing a bajillion posts about an awards show even more useless than the Grammys, so here are the “highlights” of the show.
Beyoncé showed America what it’s like to trip balls with an army of strippers for five straight minutes. Come for the hilariously awkward Matthew Morrison reaction shot, stay for that weird dance move Beyoncé does where she jiggles her titties by flapping her arms like she’s trying to do the chicken dance.
Rihanna performed her song S&M and continued to prove that she really has no idea what S&M actually is (Hint: until you’ve been suspended from the rafters with rope or even know what sounding is, you don’t.) Oh, and Britney Spears was on hand to lip synch a couple verses while she sort of staggered around. Bear in mind, this is the same person whose parents think she’s not mentally competent to stand trial, but can sing a song about kink. Weird.
Eminem won Top Artist, Rihanna won Top Female Artist, The Black Eyed Peas won Top Group (ugh), and then Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards that all pretty much mean the same thing. Oh, and Justin Bieber won a bunch of awards based on the fact that his fans are basically a brand new pair of Nikes and some cyanide Kool-Aid away from being a full-blown cult.
Oh, and Dyke-a-tiny kissed Selena Gomez on live TV. While wearing a gold lamé suit. No matter what conclusion you take away from that, Justin Bieber will never date another girl ever, and his fans will probably try to suicide Selena aaaaaaany minute now.