Look, I’ll be blunt with you: At this point, we’ve gone through so many awards show that the thrill of recapping them is kinda … gone. It’s like when you first move out of your parent’s place and realize that nothing is stopping you from eating ice cream all day: Eventually, the thrill diminishes and you get bloaty and your voiding starts coming out frozen. That’s what this has become. So instead of spreading this out over an entire day, we’re just going to try and condense everything that happened at The 85th Annual Academy Awards last night into one post. Let’s rip this band-aid off toute suite, shall we?
- Seth MacFarlane as a host … not bad. Not great, not bad, just okay. Some of the jokes landed, some of them (specifically, the ones that sounded as if they were lifted directly from Family Guy) didn’t go over so well. To the surprise of no one, Ted showed up, having hopped on the first flight from the Uncanny Valley. Although the two biggest missteps were the “We Saw Your Boobs” number, which went over like a shart in an elevator, and a joke Seth made about Quvenzhane Wallis dating George Clooney. Speaking of bad jokes made at Quvenshane’s expense …
- Seriously, how cute was she last night? Good lord, she is just precious. And the puppy purse? I’m amazed they didn’t just call off the Oscars entirely, because she should have won everything. Except then The Onion decided to make a joke about calling her the C-word, and no. Just no. I get it, it’s supposed to be ironic, but she’s NINE. I don’t care how blatantly, obviously facetious you try to make it, you probably shouldn’t call a 9-year-old the C-word.
- Anne Hathaway showed up in a raggedy-ass ballet slipper with seam-lines that made her nipples stand out, and then started off her Best Supporting Actress acceptance speech with the eye-roller to end all eye-rollers. Did she deserve to win? Of course. But false modesty is not something that Anne can pull off.
- This year, if you didn’t get off stage fast enough, they played you off using the theme from Jaws, which was the single best part of the night. I kept thinking of a giant shark devouring anyone who didn’t get off fast enough, until I realized it was just a polite usher responsible for getting you off stage. Total let-down on that one.
- The big James Bond retrospective? Meh. It was okay, but without a clip of the Natalya escort mission from Goldeneye 64, it was kinda hollow. That being said, SHIRLEY BASSEY KILLED.
- Other women who killed onstage? Adele. Jennifer Hudson and Norah Jones also did a bang up job, but between Adele and Shirley, the Bond girls ruled the night.
- The Oscars decided to pay tribute to the one time a non-drama won Best Picture by never shutting up about Chicago. Seriously, it was ten years ago. You can hold off for a few more years. That being said, that drag queen they brought out on stage did a mean Catherine Zeta-Jones impression.
- They decided to try and do a Les Miz number, except for some reason, all the songs were cut short and everyone was singing over each other an Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen were not having any of it.
- Barbra Streisand‘s nails were weird.
- The Oscar for Best Makeup went to Les Miz. “Congratulations on making Anne Hathaway look dirty. Here’s an Oscar for your troubles.”
- Jennifer Lawrence fell down go boom. But she was super adorable and gracious about it, and we loved her even more for it.
- Argo won Best Picture, and Ben Affleck finally (sorta) acknowledged the fact that Canada did all the heavy lifting on that one.