So in what is easily the worst timing ever, Crystal Harris‘ new Playboy magazine cover has leaked onto the Internet the day after she and Hugh Hefner announced their wedding was off. And what it lacks in foresight, is makes up for in sheer, pure, unadulterated awkwardness. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
#1: Whoever the hell decided it would be hot to dress a 25-year-old woman as an 85-year-old man? You are a sex criminal now. You wouldn’t fap it to a woman in tit-high trousers and suspenders, what made you think this was a good idea?”
#2: Holy bejeezus, Crystal Harris has ABS. And I don’t mean like nice little toned abs, I mean the bitch has freakish body-builder abs. It’s like six pieces of raw chicken resting underneath two giant orange water balloons.
#3: I have sat on enough leather chairs naked (shut up) to know that it is never comfortable. It’s either too hot and it gets covered in sweat, or it’s too cold and your balls end up tucking themselves, and no matter what, it always gets stuck to the seat so that standing up is like ripping off the world’s largest ass band-aid. NO ME GUSTA.
#4: Does anybody else find the poorly-photoshopped dog they clearly through in at the last minute hilarious? Seriously, this dog is saying more with his eyes than this bitch could ever hope to with her mouth. You know, when it’s not full of 90-year-old schlong.
#5: Gotta love the date added in there too. Yeah, that’s not going to be regrettable in hindsight AT. ALL. On the plus side, Hef will probably die before he ever really regrets this. That or he’ll just forget about it. Ha ha! Old people. (I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a cunt. It feels … right.)
