11:14 – Anyway, it’s official: Kanye West is allowed to have his career back by bringing up the biggest moment in his and Taylor’s careers. YAY! Hollywood! I’m going to go finish off the rest of this wine bottle for now. Other than the voices, it’s been real. See you tomorrow, guys and gals!
11:10 – To cap off the show, we have Aziz Ansari delivering the most demonic laugh I have ever heard (I know what I’ll be hearing in my nightmares tonight!) and Kanye West wearing a very gay suit and calling himself a douchebag. Either MTV has laxed on their censorship policies or they’re just not even trying at this point. “Kanye said asshole on air? Fuck it, it’s 11. Poor me a screwdriver and quit bitching.”
11:05 – Cher is out and oh sweet Jesus no. I honestly don’t even know where her hair ends and her outfit begins. Anyway, it’s the moment we’ve all be waiting for: Who had the best video of the year? Like you even needed to ask, Lady Gaga wins for Bad Romance, and by the looks of it she’s back to wearing raw meat. Suck it PETA! This is what you get for caring about animals. Anyway, Gaga announces the name of her next album as well as the song you’ll hear at every single gay pride next year.
10:53 – There are … people onstage. I don’t know who they are, mostly because I don’t care and because my roomie was talking and I couldn’t hear their names. Anyway, Justin Bieber wins best new artist because of fucking course he did. I’m going to go drink until I forget I can’t feel things inside. Good timing to, because here comes Linkin Park. Once again: It is now 2004. Emma Stone deserves better than this.
10:46 – Selena Gomez and Ne-Yo, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah, I don’t see the connection either, but they’re here to introduce B.O.B. and the single most unfortunate-looking person there tonight. Unless… Hey, is the Ho-Chi Minh Whore there tonight? HA HA! Just kidding, nobody wants her. Anyway, B.O.B.’s definition of rapping involves yelling off-beat. And as much as I make fun of Paramore’s TitterTwitter, I have to admit, she has a a fantastic voice. But here’s Robyn to pretty much own the entire night. Sorry everyone else, you can all go home now. You can stop trying now.
10:36 – Oh boy, the cast of Jersey Shore is onstage, and Chelsea Handler is in the hot tub with them. No Chelsea, no… Who knows? Maybe if we’re lucky, when she gets out she’ll drop a toaster in with them. Anyway, Sofia Vergara is here to boobies tits melons hooters jugs breasts TITTIES! … I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me there. Anyway, Eminem wins another award for Best Hip-Hop Video. Really?
10:21 – The guys from The Social Network are here to introduce Drake and Mary J. Blige. Squee! I may hate about 90% of the people and parts of this show, but I legitimately like these two and think they’re actually talented. We cool now Luke Haas? We cool. *Fist Bump*
10:12 – Taylor Swift is onstage to sing a song about getting stage-crashed by Kanye. She somehow manages to make this sound like it was happening to an eight-year-old. On the plus side, I’m willing to bet good money the girl is packing heat this time around. “Beyonce had the best video, did she? *Crowbar* Y’all just got TAYLOR’D!”
10:06 – Oh fuck yes Chuy! And now Glee is onstage while we all ponder Finn and Kurt’s scrotums. The award for Best Pop Video goes to Gaga, who is dressed like The Statue Of Liberty’s evil, slutty twin. Katy Perry once again can barely disguise her sheer hatred. If Gaga gets shanked tonight, I know who we’ll be looking for.
9:56 – Jordan Catalano is here to introduce that song from Eat, Play, Love. While I sorely wish this movie would jump into a pile of freshly ground turds, at least she’s actually singing and the song doesn’t completely suck.
9:44 – Remember that scene from Godzilla where the water starts to ripple as Godzilla approaches? Well, Katy Perry and Nikki Minaj just walked onstage. Draw your own parallels. Anyway, the VMA for Best Male Video goes to Eminem for Not Afraid. Eminem isn’t actually there tonight, so let’s just have slut A and slut B act really awkward around each other. GENIUS!
9:40 – WATCH OUT CHRIS BROWN, THE SLUTTY BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT YO-oh wait, never mind, that’s just Ke$ha and Tre Songz. That physically hurt me to type. See the things I do for you people? Well, Usher is back onstage, and unlike Bieber, he isn’t even going to try lipsynching. To be fair, I didn’t like this song when it was recorded and produced to within an inch of it’s life, so I wouldn’t have liked it live either.
9:33 – So halfway through his ill-advised drum solo (A FUCKING DRUM SOLO?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME HERE?!) one of the drumsticks flies out the Biebs‘ hand. Funny; what would Justin Bieber be doing backstage that would make his right hand slippery? Care to shed some light on this, Kim?
9:28 – Kim Kardashian is here to introduce Justin Bieber because ha ha! She sucked his dick but probably not. Prove me wrong, internet. Prove me wrong. Anyway, Justin Bieber is here to lipsynch girls into their first orgasms.
9:25 – Oh good, we get to see another Jackass clip. It’s the high-five clip that got stomped into the ground by the trailer. No, we won’t get sick of this soon. Anyway, the VMA for Best Rock Video goes to Jared Leto‘s guyliner band. This is rock? Seriously? Christ, these guys don’t turn it up to 11. They barely turn it up to 3.
9:16 – Alright, so it looks like the award for Best Female Video is the first one on the block. Lady Gaga wins it for Bad Romance while Katy Perry tries to shoot laser out of her eyes. “Wonder whore powers, activate! Pew! Pew!”
9:13 – Chelsea Handler is NOT giving the Jersey Shore dickbags a break. Christ, having them there is like having Charles Manson attend his victim’s funerals. Oh, and Chelsea Handler wants you to beat the shit out of Kanye West. I can get behind that.
9:07 – Oh thank you Jesus Mary and Joseph, Chelsea Handler is here to make us all forget (temporarily) just how many dicks this show sucks. Hey, if she can make Lindsay Lohan seem like a funny, competent actress for five seconds then she can save this pile of shit. Also, a bird just flew out of Chelsea Handler’s box. That oughtta attract some Google viewers looking for “Chealsea Handler’s box”.
9:03 – Huh, I was right; it IS 2004! There is no other reason for why Eminem should be onstage. Yeah, is it wrong to think that he looked better back when he was doing massive amounts of drugs and booze? Oh, and here’s Rihanna wearing… Wait, what? What is this I don’t even-
8:57 – Well, Lady Gaga is here and while she doesn’t literally look like a douche, she does look vaguely like a rooster, and I suddenly hunger for Corn Flakes. Alright, I’ll cease my kidding here, because she’s being escorted by soldiers discharged under DADT. Somehow, I don’t think this is how they figured their lives would turn out when they signed up to be a part of America’s greatest.
8:52 – Oh fuck me sideways, Ke$ha is here wearing a garbage bag, which is easily the most appropriate dress ever. Unless of course Lady Gaga comes dressed as a giant douche.
8:42 – So one of the hosts decided to ask The Jackass guys about an important political issue, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Instead of an opinion, they make a joke about cum. Yeah, couldn’t see that one coming.
8:36 – Nikki Minaj is finally onstage, and I finally have the opportunity to figure out who exactly the eff she is … Nope, still confused. All I know is that she’s very pink and has an ass that will one day send the Earth off it’s rotational axis and plummeting into the sun. Also, I’m not sure what the fuck Wil.I.Am is wearing, but is it possible to rent one for Folsom Fair? I wear a size small
8:27 – FIRST BIEBER SIGHTING! WE HAVE OUR FIRST BIEBER SIGHTING! *Drinks* I should probably explain: Every time I see Justin Bieber, I will drink. I will drink hard. Thankfully, I have the dialysis machine on standby. Oh, and Usher is here too. Weird, I didn’t know it was 2004…
8:23 – The first two trophies of the night have just been given away. The first one went to Lady Gaga‘s Bad Romance, and the other went to Gaga’s Telephone. This is getting sad. It’s like awarding a gold medal to grown man because he beat a toddler in a foot race.
8:18 – So MTV, trying very hard to distract you from the fact that they’ve pretty much murdered the art of the music video in the face, decided to grab some girl whose every second word is like and have her ask a question to Sean Kingston while he shouts “YEAH! YEAH!” into the camera. Also, Snooki’s here. Weep for the future of America.
8:10 – So Katy Perry couldn’t decide whether she wanted to come as a figure skater or a ballerina, so she decided to come as some sort of Suicide Girl looking mix between the two. Also, MTV decided they wanted to take over Twitter with the hashtag #IfJustinMetGaga. The answer to that: Cthulhu would rise. Pray he eats you last.
8:05 – Oh thank GOD I’ve already drowned myself in wine here. Paramore is giving an interview or something, and all I can say is that these people are so much less interesting when they’re not posting Twitpics of their boobies.
8:00 – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time to start the MTV VMAs liveblogging here at popbytes with your host, Jeremy Feist! How can Kanye further shit all over his reputation? Is Taylor Swift a Disney Princess? Who the fuck is Nikki Minaj? All these questions and more will be answered on the popbytes MTV Video Music Awards LiveBlog!
Please check back in when the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards start for live commentary from Popbytes’ hilariously snarky writer Jeremy Feist! Plus we’ll be adding in pictures of the red carpet arrivals as soon as they’re available – stay tuned – it’s going to be a super fun night!
