Yay or Nay: Trespass

October 14, 2011 ALEX GOLDSCHMIDT Reviews 0

Trespass

When you look at the poster for Trespass, a few things stand out. First, you see the type font – suggesting a serious drama. Second, you see Nicole Kidman and Nicolas Cage – two of the biggest jokes in Oscar-winning history. Third, you see the hilarious suggestion that this movie has potential by the mentioning of their Oscar wins.

Trespass

In Trespass, a family is taken hostage by burglars and nothing really is as it seems. Oh and the hot redeeming part of Burlesque was in it – Cam Gigandet. Here are the numbers. Ms. Kidman was uncomfortably cold and unable to show emotion about 47 times. Mr. Cage was a horrible actor about 91 times (one for every minute of the movie). Finally, Cam had me aroused about six times including two shirtless bathing suit scenes, one heroic moment and a few gazes of pure sex).

To be honest, there was only one person I could really think about while leaving the screening … Danielle Staub, ex-housewife from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, this movie literally was Danielle personified and here’s why:

Danielle Staub

GIF | REALITYTV.GIFS

  1. In an effort to be more than a hostage thriller, the movie pulled so many twists that it became a joke. Nothing was as it seems and even that wasn’t what it seemed to be. By the end of the movie, all you could do was laugh.
  2. The acting was absolutely wretched and every emotion was forced (or not there because of the inability to move facial features).
  3. Everyone just kept shouting. I know a thriller is supposed to contain screaming and crying but it was so grating. I was so overwhelmed that I was driven to uncomfortable, manic laughter.
  4. Despite the ridiculousness, I couldn’t look away. I was gripped in the stupidity and joke of it all.
  5. Nicole Kidman is a prostitution whore and brought drama to my dinner party. Okay, that’s a lie but still – what happened to her? Plastic surgery has taken its toll and I don’t know if we will get her back.

In conclusion, rent Trespass and have a drinking game with your friends. You’ll have a lot of fun but it definitely isn’t worth more than a dollar.

About ALEX GOLDSCHMIDT 8 Articles
Alex Goldschmidt is a full-time Publicity Associate at the Karpel Group and all-around lover of all things entertainment. Pop is not a game to him. He sang with a semi-professional chorus from ages 8-18 and sang college a cappella for four years. He was basically Glee before it was cool – one may say (or one may not say because no one has ever said). He'll never apologize for about his love of Lady Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, Fifth Harmony, One Direction, "Bossy" by Lindsay Lohan or any of his other obsessions. He will not take shade for screaming during every episode of Pretty Little Liars. And he will actually hit you if you do not know every Real Housewives noteworthy quote and can't perform Dreamgirls in its entirety. Take it or leave it. Follow him on Twitter at @alexandergold.