TrailerBytes: John Carter, War Horse, A Warrior’s Heart

TrailerBytes with Dan Spritz

John Carter

This film’s trailer begins with a sequence that is uncomfortably similar to the scene in Attack of The Clones in which Anakin, Padmé, and Obi-Wan are supposed to be executed by large animals in the Geonosian Arena. It looks like they used the same set, the crowd reacts the same way, the arena is used for the same purpose. The only differences are that Taylor Kitsch is not a Jedi and the animal that was tasked with killing him has blue blood. I did some research, and this means that the animal’s blood contains hemocyanin, a copper-rich respiratory protein that is similar to hemoglobin. It is found in crustaceans and mollusks, which mean the big baddie is either an evolutionary enigma or that the producers didn’t do their homework. I’m going with the latter. Either way, I guess I have to suspend my disbelief, much as I have to do in believing that those same producers have never seen Attack of the Clones. The blue blood just so weird. It screams, “Look how alien we are!” which serves to remind me that this will, in fact, be a movie. Why am I spending so much time on biochemistry? Because the rest of the trailer is an indecipherable mish mash of, “You’re the chosen one!”, “Our land is in trouble!”, and fighting with bizarre machines. There’s also this. I don’t much care for any of it, and I have no idea what to make of this film, even after the second trailer.

War Horse

It was a slow week for trailers, so the video in which War Horse actors heap praise on the movie will have to do. It offers just the barest amount of information about the plot, instead focusing on the relationship between the boy and his horse and the bravery of the horse. People with a direct investment in the movie’s success talking about it with gushing praise? Not what I’m looking for. I don’t want to sound cynical, but I just don’t see this movie working. For one, the title character is virtually incapable of emoting. That leaves all of the characters to interact with the horse as it maneuvers the moral ambiguity of war. It can’t possibly be adept at surviving in war though, can it? Wouldn’t any survival be coincidental? What’s so special about this horse, its relationship with the boy? Basically, I have trouble with a movie that has a horse as a prominent character, not just something people use to win races.

A Warrior’s Heart

See what I mean? I couldn’t even find enough trailers from this week. Instead, I need to discuss this absurd month-old trailer that just recently came to my attention. It starts with an Ashley Greene voiceover that discusses the inadequate information we received from a first impression. Why? I don’t know. She’s referring to Kellan Lutz’s character, but obviously learns more about him almost immediately. Whatever. She continues by saying that this is the story about the guy she fell for, a story you need to understand lacrosse to truly comprehend. I think I could follow it even if I didn’t understand lacrosse, but I’ll bite. … what’s that? You’re only going to show a snippet of lacrosse footage and then have Lutz’s father sent to Iraq and immediately die, leading to an explosion of rage and anger from Lutz which culminates in him being sent to a camp for troubled youth? That is obviously all about lacrosse. At the end, Lutz is somehow triumphant, although he’s been an asshole for the entire trailer. I have no idea why Ashley’s character fell for him, no idea why his (briefly) former teammates are so happy to see him, and no idea why a “lacrosse” movie seems so willing to diverge from lacrosse. Why have a formulaic sports movie if it’s not going to focus on the sport at hand?

John Carter

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

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