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The 2012 Teen Choice Awards were last night …

The 2012 Teen Choice Awards were last night …
July 23, 2012 JEREMY FEIST
The 2012 Teen Choice Awards

There’s a reason why teenagers aren’t allowed to vote in The Academy Awards: they aren’t yet old enough to fully understand how and why their taste in everything sucks. Which is why we gave them The 2012 Teen Choice Awards, a one night affair wherein man’s inhumanity to man reigns supreme and the most shoddily produced cash-grabs are rewarded for appealing to the absolute lowest common denominator. The full list of “winners” via HuffPo:

TELEVISION
Choice TV Show: Drama

“Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Actor: Drama
Ian Harding, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Actress: Drama
Lucy Hale, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Show: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
“The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Actor: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Ian Somerhalder, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Actress: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Nina Dobrev, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Show: Action
“CSI: Miami”

Choice TV Actor: Action
Adam Rodriguez, “CSI: Miami”

Choice TV Actress: Action
Linda Hunt, “NCIS: Los Angeles”

Choice TV Show: Comedy
“Glee”

Choice TV Actor: Comedy
Chris Colfer, “Glee”

Choice TV Actress: Comedy
Lea Michele, “Glee”

Choice TV: Animated Show
“The Simpsons”

Choice TV: Male Personality
Simon Cowell, “The X Factor”

Choice TV: Female Personality
Jennifer Lopez, “American Idol”

Choice TV: Reality Competition Show
“The X Factor”

Choice TV: Reality Show
“Punk’d”

Choice TV: Male Reality Star
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, “Jersey Shore” and “The Pauly D Project”

Choice TV: Female Reality Star
The Kardashians, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Choice Summer TV Show
“Teen Wolf”

Choice Summer TV Star: Female
Troian Bellisario, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice Summer TV Star: Male
Tyler Posey, “Teen Wolf”

Choice TV Villain
Janel Parrish, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Female Scene Stealer
Candice Accola, “The Vampire Dairies”

Choice TV Male Scene Stealer
Michael Trevino, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Breakout Show
“The X Factor”

Choice TV Breakout Star: Female
Hannah Simone, “New Girl”

Choice TV Breakout Star: Male
Beau Mirchoff, “Awkward”

MOVIES
Choice Movie: Action

“Abduction”

Choice Movie Actor: Action
Taylor Lautner, “Abduction”

Choice Movie Actress: Action
Zoe Saldana, “Colombiana”

Choice Movie: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
“The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Actor: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Josh Hutcherson, “The Hunger Games” and “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”

Choice Movie Actress: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Jennifer Lawrence, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie: Drama
“The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actor: Drama
Zac Efron, “The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actress: Drama
Emma Stone, “The Help”

Choice Movie: Comedy
“21 Jump Street”

Choice Movie Actor: Comedy
Channing Tatum, “21 Jump Street”

Choice Movie Actress: Comedy
Emma Stone, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”

Choice Movie: Romance
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1””

Choice Movie Actor: Romance
Zac Efron, “The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actress: Romance
Kristen Stewart, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

Choice Movie Voice
Taylor Swift as Audrey, “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax”

Choice Movie Chemistry
Jennifer Lawrence and Amandla Stenberg, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Liplock
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Hissy Fit
Charlize Theron, “Snow White & The Huntsman”

Choice Movie Villain
Alexander Ludwig, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Male
Liam Hemsworth, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Female
Ashley Greene, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

Choice Movie Breakout
Rihanna, “Battleship”

Choice Summer Movie: Action
“The Avengers”

Choice Summer Movie: Comedy/Music
“Katy Perry: Part of Me”

Choice Summer Movie Star: Male
Chris Hemsworth, “Snow White & The Huntsman” and “The Avengers”

Choice Summer Movie Star: Female
Kristen Stewart, “Snow White & The Huntsman”

MUSIC
Choice Male Artist

Justin Bieber

Choice Female Artist
Taylor Swift

Choice Music Group
Selena Gomez & The Scene

Choice R&B/Hip-Hop Artist
Nicki Minaj

Choice R&B/Hip-Hop Song
“Starships,” Nicki Minaj

Choice Rock Group
fun.

Choice Rock Song
“Paradise,” Coldplay

Choice Electronic Dance Music (EDM) Artist
David Guetta

Choice Single by a Group
“We Are Young,” fun. featuring Janelle Monáe

Choice Single by a Female Artist
“Eyes Open,” Taylor Swift

Choice Single by a Male Artist
“Boyfriend,” Justin Bieber

Choice Male Country Artist
Hunter Hayes

Choice Female Country Artist
Taylor Swift

Choice Country Song
“Sparks Fly,” Taylor Swift

Choice Country Group
Lady Antebellum

Choice Summer Song
“Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen

Choice Love Song
“What Makes You Beautiful,” One Direction

Choice Break-Up Song
“Payphone,” Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa

Choice Summer Music Star: Female
Demi Lovato

Choice Summer Music Star: Male
Justin Bieber

Choice Summer Music Star: Group
One Direction

Choice Music: Breakout Artist
Carly Rae Jepsen

Choice Music: Breakout Group
One Direction

FASHION
Choice Fashion Icon: Female

Katy Perry

Choice Fashion Icon: Male
Justin Bieber

Choice Female Hottie
Miley Cyrus

Choice Male Hottie
Ian Somerhalder

SPORTS 
Choice Female Athlete

Serena Williams (Tennis)

Choice Male Athlete
David Beckham (Soccer)

OTHER
Choice Book

“The Hunger Games” trilogy, Suzanne Collins

Choice Comedian
Ellen DeGeneres

Choice Twit
Demi Lovato

Choice Web Star
Sophia Grace and Rosie

Choice Video Game
Just Dance 3

Choice Social Network
Facebook

What kind of self-respecting reality show would agree to give an award to The Kardashians? Honestly, if you’re ever forced into a situation where you must give an award to the multi-headed hydra of vapid awfulness known as The Kardashians, the only option you really have is to apologize for your life and self-immolate. It’s a much more humane fate than giving a giant surfboard to Kim Kardashian while smilingly pretending that she has actually accomplished something with her life.

The 2012 Teen Choice Awards