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The SMASH Reality Index (S2, EP16)

The SMASH Reality Index (S2, EP16)
May 27, 2013 DAVE Q
CHRISTINE EBERSOLE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON

CHRISTINE EBERSOLE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON

By NineDaves and Linda Buchwald

For a true theater fanatic, there aren’t many more exciting places to be than the theater district at awards season. The excitement around going to a crowded house in the days leading up to those nominations; hearing other fans share their predictions at intermission; seeing Broadway stars make the rounds on the morning talk shows – it’s all very intense. And for what it’s worth, “The Nominations” – the second to last episode of SMASH ever – was pretty damn near accurate in its portrayal of Tony season. Down to the fangirl chatter at stage doors and gossipy pieces in the tabloids (RIP Michael Musto and The Village Voice).

That being said, there was something missing from the nominations this time around: surprise. IRL, there’s always a good snub or two. But in SMASH-land? Everyone got nominations! Heck, even Sam picked up an Outer Critics Circle Award for his role in Hit List that’s never really been defined. Woohoo!

We won’t spend too much time breaking that apart now. After all, that’s what the Index is for. So let’s see how things played out in the first part of the two-part series finale:

Totally True

  • The “previously on” part of this episode is basically a recap of the season. Already getting us in the mindset to say goodbye to SMASH. (A retrospective with interviews would have been even better. We can dream can’t we!)
  • Ivy Lynn wakes up signing. She’s a real-life Tracy Turnblad! Plus 10.
  • Bombshell got 10 Outer Critics Circle nominations and Hit List got 11. This year, Chaplin got 8 and Matilda got 5, so the OCC does crazy shit like this all the time.
  • “The Outer Critics Circle are a bunch of sadists,” says Tom. “They don’t tell you they’ve won, you have to keep refreshing their website to find out.” Plus 50.
  • Tom, Eileen, and Agnes attend a production of The Gathering Storm. “There’s Tony voters in there,” says Agnes. “They need to see we support the competition.” Plus 20.
  • OH HEY LUKE MACFARLANE! YOU LOOK DAMN GOOD! WE LOVED YOU ON BROTHERS & SISTERS!
  • Tom is checking his phone during The Gathering Storm to see if he’s won an Outer Critics Circle Award and it pisses off everyone around him. “Are you kidding me?” gripes Luke MacFarlane’s character. “Haven’t you ever been to a theater before?” Plus 100 because this is the type of theater etiquette SMASH should be promoting, not that nonsense over at Hit List.
  • Luke MacFarlane is playing some character named Patrick Dillon. Because guys with full names that sound like two first names is like, so goddamn hot.
  • Tom wins his Outer Critics Circle Award for Best Director! Guess they must have really loved that new staging of “Dig Deep,” huh?
  • Karen also wins an Outer Critics Circle Award over Ivy Lynn, which we can believe because the OCC Awards make even less sense than most other theater awards.
  • Bobby and Jessica think Ivy’s relapsed. “She black-swanned once before,” Bobby tells Sam. “And that was only Boston. This is Broadway!” Plus 60 for Bobby’s last bitchy line.

  • Apparently Tom tied with Derek for his OCC Award for Best Director. Sure, why not! This is all fake anyway – why not make everyone win!
  • Apparently, Bombshell only picked up two OCC Awards: Tom for Director and Julia for Book. The rest went to Hit List. Again, it’s just the OCCs, which often plays out differently than the Tonys.
  • Patrick Dillon is signing autographs on The Gathering Storm Playbills, outside the theater, despite not being in the show. Plus 10 because we see celebrities do that all the time (even though it’s totally annoying).
  • “I love his movies,” Tom says, of Patrick Dillon. “His Long Day’s Journey Into Night last season, not so much.” “Well he won a Tony for it,” Agnes responds. Plus 85 because Hollywood stars win Tonys for mediocre turns on Broadway all the time (see: Scarlett Johansson, and probably Tom Hanks).
  • “Only winners get to go to the Outer Critics Circle luncheon,” Jerry tells Derek, Jimmy, and Karen. “But since we practically swept the awards, we have a whole table.” Plus 15 for accuracy!
  • Jerry shows the Karen and Jimmy mockups of posters with Tony Award nominations.
  • Jerry says that they don’t expect Kyle to get a fake Tony nomination for Best Book. “Our show is basically sung-through,” he says. “So were Rent and Passing Strange,” Karen barks back. “And they won.” Dammit we hate when she’s right.
  • Ana is suing Derek because he promised the Diva role to Daisy Parker. Man, the meetings she must have had at Equity…
  • “Maybe some things are more important than a career,” Karen tells Derek. “Like self-respect.” Let that be a warning to any theater actor during pilot season, please.
  • Ivy hasn’t told Derek yet about the baby, and isn’t sure she’s keeping it. LET IT BE YOUR STAR, IVY.
  • “In some circles, they don’t consider that a gift at all,” Tom says of the bottle of wine he sent Patrick Dillon. Plus 10.
  • Oh hey Michael Musto. Sorry you just lost your job at The Village Voice, but all these actors on SMASH lost their jobs too!
  • Like any good Michael Musto interview, this one with Jimmy Collins is totally gossipy and shit, we love it.
  • A fangirl at the Bombshell stagedoor tells Ivy Lynn that Hit List shouldn’t have won any awards and that Bombshell is so much better. “Karen should not have beaten you,” she gripes. Plus 100 because we’ve seen those fangirls. Heck, we’ve been those fangirls.
  • Also, plus 100 because Ivy is positive to the first fangirl, saying that “Hit List is a wonderful show and Karen’s wonderful in it.”
  • Ivy Lynn tells another fangirl that the only reason Hit List made it to Broadway was because Kyle Bishop died. PLUS 500!
  • Plus 1,000 for that creepy dude who filmed Ivy at the stage door and then ran off. He was so ridiculous!!
  • “If You Want Me,” which Ana sings at her audition, is such a beautiful song! Go see Once if you haven’t already!
  • Ivy is still not sure if she’s keeping the baby, and still not sure if she’s telling Derek, but now she told Sam, so there’s that?
  • THE SMASH REALITY INDEX FINALLY GETS MENTIONED ON #SMASH!

  • Ivy’s created an online backlash against Hit List. Except it was probably there way before her.
  • “If it isn’t my two favorite PR disasters,” Agnes says to Tom and Ivy. “What are you going to do today? Burn down Table 46?” Plus 100 because IF ONLY.
  • Eileen and Jerry trade quips. “Eileen, I thought you’d be wearing black today!” “No Jerry, I’m saving it for your funeral.” Plus 10.
  • “Thank you for waiting patiently while I fixed something that was nearly broken,” Julia says in her OCC Awards speech. She’s talking about SMASH, right?
  • OH HEEEEY MARY TESTA! PLUS 50!
  • Tom lets Derek give his acceptance speech first. “You first, I’ll finish. That seems familiar.” Plus 10.
  • Tom thanks Derek Wills in his Outer Critics Circle Awards speech. Because he’s classy like that!
  • He also makes a lame joke that doesn’t get a huge laugh–”You and I go together like Lena Dunham and a bra.” Thank you speeches are so hard to get right.
  • Ivy tries to apologize to Jimmy halfway through the Outer Critics Circle Awards luncheon, which leads to a giant pile up fight between Ivy, Jimmy, Julia, Tom, Derek, Karen, and eventually, Eileen. Aww the whole gang’s back together!
  •  Halfway through Karen’s number, Jimmy looks around, as if he’s distracted and bored. We guess he’s just surveying the crowd, but LOL.
  • “My life has to be about more than this show,” says Eileen. “WE AGREE!” says every SMASH recapper out there, who’ve given up their evenings for the past two seasons.

  • “You know what they say about Tony voting,” Patrick Dillon tells Tom. “First you vote for yourself. Then you vote against your enemies. And then you vote for your heart.” Man, for a big Hollywood movie star who’s a first-time Tony voter, he sure knows a lot!
  • Jimmy waits for Karen’s autograph and we guess that’s kinda sweet.
  • Also, Karen doesn’t recognize Jimmy at first when he’s at the stage door in a hoodie because she’s signing autographs without looking at people’s faces. It didn’t take her long to learn how to rush through a stage door line.
  • Julia comes to the Hit List stage door and apologizes to Jimmy (for doing nothing wrong) and he apologizes back and OMG GET ON WITH IT.
  • “Artists shouldn’t feel ashamed about helping each other. It shouldn’t always be a competition,” says Julia, and she has a point. In real life, we love seeing Broadway artists support each other.
  • Ivy sums up Derek’s entire arc this season on SMASH: “You’ve never done the right thing, Derek. And you never will.”  Plus 10, even though we still want to make out with him.
  • Julia arrives at Tom’s to watch the Tony nominations with him and Ivy. “I brought scones,” she says. “And scotch in case things go badly.” Plus 10.
  • OF COURSE KAREN CARTWRIGHT AND ANA AND JIMMY ARE WATCHING THE TONY AWARD NOMINATIONS ONLINE. BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY DON’T OWN A TV.
  • OH HEY CHRISTINE EBERSOLE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON LOOKING FABULOUS!
  • Leigh Conroy and Ivy Lynn pick up Featured Actress fake Tony nominations! And they said the category right and everything! Plus 10!
  • Ann Harada wasn’t in this episode, but it’s time for our favorite feature, THE ANN HARADA LINE OF THE WEEK. “I was even snubbed in the fake Tonys for a nomination for featured actress in Rogers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella!” CONGRATULATIONS ANN!
  • Derek gets two nominations for Best Choreography – for both Hit List and Bombshell. But he’s up against Casey Nicholaw for The Gathering Storm and Susan Stroman for Imitation of Life. Nicholaw gets it, right?
  • Kyle Bishop gets the Tony nomination for Best Book of a musical, becoming the youngest person ever nominated for a fake Tony for Best Book of a Musical! CONGRATULATIONS KYLE!
  • Kyle’s competition, meanwhile, is Julia for Bombshell, Harvey Fierstein for The Gathering Storm, and David Lindsay-Abaire for The Last Good Year. Tough category.
  • Man, the few seconds we heard of The Gathering Storm while Tom was checking his phone didn’t do much for us, but directed by Susan Stroman with a book by Harvey Fierstein? TWO TICKETS PLEASE!
  • Tom and Derek both pick up nominations for Directing, going up against Rob Ashford and Diane Paulus (Oliver). A Diane Paulus Oliver? Do Fagin’s boys come into the audience and pick the pockets of audience members? This we also need to see.
  • Derek is apparently the second person in fake Tony history to be nominated for three awards in the same year. The first one was Bob Fosse! (Okay that one was real). Also, let’s not forget about Kenneth Posner and his three lighting design nominations in the same category this year (in the real Tonys)!
  • Bombshell and Hit List are obviously nominated for best score, and so is Jeanine Tesori for Imitation of Life. It’s about time she had a new score. Why are none of these shows real? We want to see all of them.
  • Christine Ebersole forgets to mention Ivy’s Lead Actress fake Tony nomination, and has to go back. DAMN YOU CHRISTINE EBERSOLE! NO WONDER THEY LEFT YOU OFF THE POSTER FOR THAT WEDDING MOVIE!
  • Ivy obviously gets the nomination. Because god forbid SMASH spare us from an Ivy vs. Karen fight ‘til the end.
  • All in all, Bombshell picks up 12 nominations, and Hit List, 13. “That doesn’t mean anything, that’s just one more than us,” Agnes tells Eileen. Does she do PR for the folks at Matilda too? ‘Cause we bet they were saying that about Kinky Boots this season!
  • Patrick Dillon sends Tom a bottle of Petite Syrah with a hand-written congratulations note on his own stationary. What a homo!

Patrick Dillon

  • BRIAN D’ARCY JAMES IS BACK! PLUS 300!
  • Brian d’Arcy James threatens to take Julia for all she’s worth and we’ve never been more attracted to him.
  • OH HEY MICHAEL RIEDEL! You’ve had more lines on this show than most of the recurring characters.

Oh Hell No

  • Christ almighty, SMASH. It’s the final fucking episode, and you’re still trying to shoehorn in these ridiculous pop songs. Stop it!
  • And no one looks that gorgeous and done up when they wake up. Not even Ivy Lynn.
  • Ivy Lynn has been in eight Broadway shows. And the only show poster she has hanging in her room is Heaven on Earth? The show she was fired from after her pill addiction? No. Minus 10.
  • Oh, and of course this number is going to be a montage. Minus another 10.
  • Ana is looking at audition notices on some bullshit Tumblr. Get on Backstage.com, girl!
  • Agnes tells Eileen Bombshell has received 10 Outer Critics Circle nominations by revealing a full-page Bombshell ad in the newspaper, touting said nominations. We’ve seen shows make fast turnarounds from nominations to print ads before. But presuming this is new news to Eileen as of the same morning, it’s pretty ridiculous to think Agnes would get that in the paper that fast.
  • Tom would know better than to check his phone during a show, but the OCC wouldn’t be announcing the winners while everyone is in shows. Also, the Outer Critics Circle nominations are before the Tony nominations, but the winners aren’t announced until after Tony nominations.
  • Ivy Lynn is in full Marilyn gear, lying on the floor of a bathroom stall, presumably after throwing up. But wait – she’s just been called to get out there for a curtain call! So either she missed “Don’t Forget Me” entirely, or that was the longest curtain call ever.
  • When Ivy goes out for her curtain call, Bobby and Jessica are still backstage. Wouldn’t they go out first? Or does Bombshell not do company bows? Minus 50.
  • Daisy exits the Hit List stage door making a growling noise, as if to scare fans. BECAUSE SHE’S THE VILLAIN. GET IT GUYS?!?

  • Apparently Sam won an Outer Critics Circle Award too. For what? Hist List? That’s ridiculous, even for the OCCs. He’s barely even in it!
  • Patrick Dillon would not be on the Tony nominating committee. Especially if we’re to believe that he’s a big movie star who won a Tony last season for doing a Eugene O’Neill play. Minus 10.
  • Agnes says the term “glass closet” was invented for Patrick Dillon. Apparently in SMASH, Tom Cruise and John Travolta don’t exist either! Minus 50.
  • Jerry has a new assistant. Poor Nikki Blonsky. Replaced by a nobody!
  • Agnes is worried Patrick Dillon might hold a grudge, because Tom annoyed him with his cell phone during The Gathering Storm. We get that publicists are always trying to put out fires, but this is ridiculous.
  • Karen is upset that Daisy’s photo on the Tony mockup posters is the same size as hers. Ugh. Karen’s really the worst, isn’t she? Minus 10.
  • Actually, Derek is the worst and tells Karen to tell Ana to drop the lawsuit because it’ll ruin his career.
  • Julia says that divorce proceedings with Frank aren’t going well. Brian d’Arcy James wouldn’t do that! IT MUST BE YOUR FAULT, JULIA! BDJ IS PERFECT!
  • Tom sends Patrick Dillon a gift to apologize for the phone incident, not realizing that you can’t send gifts to the members of the nominating committee. “He can use that to sanction you, or worse still, disqualify you from the awards,” Eileen reminds him. We now present this next part in our best Jack from Titanic voice. “YOU’RE SO STUPID, TOM! YOU’RE SO STUUUPIDDD.”
  • Also, Tom, have you learned nothing from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
  • “I’ve worked my ass off,” Karen tells Daisy. No matter how often you say that, Karen, it’s not going to be true.
  •  Karen and Daisy get into a pissing match over how they got their roles in Hit List and whether it was ethical and no one wins because no one cares.
  • Michael Musto is interviewing Jimmy Collins. Not for The Village Voice, obviously. Whomp whomp.
  • Michael Musto tells Jimmy and Karen, “off the record,” that “someone should tell Julia to stop speaking about Kyle so much. It’s giving the wrong impression.” Oh please – nothing’s ever “off the record” with Michael Musto. Minus 10.
  • Jimmy flies off the handle, thinking that Julia is trying to sabotage Kyle’s chance at a Tony. Seriously, does Jimmy have any emotion besides 0 and 60?
  • Tom tries to get the bottle of wine back from Patrick Dillon and they meet in the lobby and hijinks ensue and this is the dumbest shit we’ve ever seen.
  • Sam comes to see how Ivy is feeling, but then walks the stage door line with her. While we love seeing when theater actors come to support their friends, it’s super annoying when they walk the line with them, taking away from fan interaction time. Minus 10.
  • “Did you hear what Karen and Jimmy said about you in the Voice?” another fangirl asks Ivy at the stage door, revealing that they claimed Ivy’s performance was an imitation and that Bombshell wasn’t original. While we’re all for gossiping with performers at the stage door, that sort of shit goes a little too far. Minus 15.
  • Also, as much as we loved that guy who filmed Ivy, we think he would have stayed around for an autograph.
  • Ana sounds good in her audition, but she would be TERRIBLE as Girl in Once. No disrespect meant to Krysta Rodriguez, but that part is not a good fit.
  • Derek recommended Ana for the Once audition to pay her off. Surprise! Ana can’t get an audition on her own! Minus 10.
  • Also, that should have been Jim Carnahan casting Once.
  • Remember how Sam was super religious during season one? Did that all just disappear when he was on The Book of Mormon tour? Because we’re sure he’d have some pro-life jargon to throw Ivy’s way when she tells him she might get an abortion, wouldn’t he?
  • The Outer Critics Circle Awards luncheon wouldn’t be at Table 46. It would be at Sardi’s. It’s always at Sardi’s.
  • Jimmy wants Julia to tell everyone that she didn’t help Kyle with Hit List at all. That’s so Jimmy.
  • Since when is Eileen the most/only professional person on the Bombshell team?
  • Derek calls Hit List “the greatest triumph of my professional career.” Grumble.
  • Jimmy’s sick and he’s losing his voice and he’s concerned because it’s the last show the Tony nominating committee will see, but he’s still smoking. HE’S SO BADASS. Minus 50.
  • Jimmy doesn’t want to miss his last performance before the Tony nominations come out, even though he’s sick. But don’t worry – he doesn’t! Karen gives him a ticket to see the show instead. That’ll make him feel better (but not healthy).
  • Jimmy wouldn’t need an actual ticket to sit in on his own show.
  • Ana decides to rescind the letter with her lawyer and go out on the Once tour. What motivated that decision, we’ll never know because Ana never says. Minus 50.
  • We still doubt that Ivy Lynn would have gotten that Featured Actress nomination for Liaisons. If The Performers wasn’t eligible, Liaisons shouldn’t be eligible.
  • Let’s flashback to the nomination boards that Agnes had made…so Victoria Clark, Katie Finneran, Patina Miller, and Chita Rivera were snubbed, in favor of Anika Noni Rose (Imitation of Life) and Daisy Parker (Hit List). Hmmm.

SMASH

  • Jimmy is pissed Daisy Parker was nominated for The Diva instead of Ana. Um… ANA ISN’T IN THE SHOW ANYMORE! SHE’S NOT ELIGIBLE!
  • Minus 50 because they cut off the rest of the fake Tony best score nominees.
  • Explain to us how Diane Paulus directed Pippin AND this new Oliver revival in the same season? Or was Pippin somehow cancelled because it received zero fake Tony nominations? Minus 100.
  • Karen’s nominated for Lead Actress in a Musical. Meh.
  • Going back to Agnes’s nomination boards, let’s check her record on Lead Actress in a Musical…so pretty accurate, except that Jen Damiano got snubbed. Oh, and Sutton Foster, who is equally miscast, apparently replaced Laura Osnes in Oliver. Now THAT’S some drama we wish we saw on SMASH.

SMASH

  • Did Jimmy not get a nomination for Lead Actor in a Musical? Was he supposed to? Does anyone care? Not really, but why don’t we get to know who is nominated for the fake actor categories? Who are the male actors in The Gathering Storm and Imitation of Life? We need to know!
  • And what about Sam? He won that Outer Critics Circle Award. Did he get a fake Tony nomination? Or are we done with his character?
  • Eileen goes to see Nick in jail but he was released three weeks ago. Shortest jail time ever!
  • Jimmy apologizes for pushing Karen away after Kyle died, explaining that he’s always been afraid to let someone else get close to him. Blah blah blah.
  • When watching Hit List the night before, Jimmy finally realized the show stands on its own and can live on without him. FORESHADOWING?
  • Derek quotes Veronica Moore in his interview with Michael Riedel. That’s fine and everything Derek, but when’s her Bravo concert airing? We need to set our DVRs!
  • Derek commits career suicide by admitting to Michael Riedel that he promised Daisy Parker the role of the Diva if she slept with him. Are we supposed to find that nobel? He basically screwed over himself, Daisy, and the entire cast of Hit List, who will inevitably feel the sting of Derek’s decision come fake Tony time. Minus 100.
  • Derek could have at least done one of those pre-Tony tell-alls in the New York Times. Have some class.
  • And while we’re at it, how come Michael Riedel gets all the scoops! Come on Broadway stars! Call us up sometime and give us a big break. We deserve it way more!

What’d you think of the first half of the finale, folks? Satisfied with those nominations? Rooting for Tom and Patrick Dillon?

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