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WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

Rihanna’s sex tape probably doesn’t exist!

Rihanna’s sex tape probably doesn’t exist!
August 25, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Rihanna

Because it’s been a while since the internet has seen a sex tape that doesn’t feature a wookie whore getting peed on by Ray J, the blagonets were on fire with reports that Hustler had a copy of a sex tape between Rihanna and J. Cole and they weren’t sure what to do with it. Well, either way you’re never going to see it because according to Access Hollywood, Rihanna says it doesn’t exist and J. Cole isn’t telling either (read: It might exist, but if it does, neither of them will sign the release form).

“We don’t believe U, U need more people … AND ofcourse an actual sextape! #slownesday” Rihanna Tweeted on Wednesday night.

Earlier on Wednesday, a rep for Hustler claimed to Radar Online, “Hustler [is] in possession of the Rihanna and J.Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”

The rapper, who Rihanna toured with on her “Loud” tour, also addressed the rumors, Tweeting, “Gossip Gossip, [expletive] just stop it”

You see how that works? Let’s assume that we have observed the box containing Schrödinger’s cat (i.e., the sex tape) and concluded that, yes, the cat (still talking about the sex tape) exists. Well guess what? You’re never going to see the sex tape because legally, Hustler can’t just release the tape without both parties’ express written consent as well as two pieces of valid government I.D. See how easy it is to bury a sex tape? That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Which is why Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian deserve to be hit by a bus.

Rihanna