So apparently, more than a few of you Americans remembered that Justin Bieber is actually from Canada, and you saw your opportunity. You saw the chance to rid yourself of Aaron Carter 2.0. So you guys started a neat little petition on We The People to deport him back to Canada, and now it has 100,000 signatures. Cute. Real cute. For those of you who haven’t read it, here’s the basic gist of it …
We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture. We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nations youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society.
Look, I’ll level with you here: Justin Bieber sucks. But as a Canadian who has absolutely no desire to see him come back, allow me to lay down my argument for you keeping him: He’s your fault. I know technically he’s from Stratford, Ontario and all, but let’s be real about this. He’s famous because you made him famous. You know who we made famous here in Canada? Hedley. Fefe Dobson. Both super talented and super nice, and known to maybe a handful of Americans. Justin Bieber? Famous in America because you made him famous.
Really, you guys created a monster. You culled one of ours, filled his head with swag and entitlement, let your teenage daughters fawn over him, and now that you’re tired of him you want to send him back up here because … you just don’t want him? That would be like if you borrowed your neighbor’s toilet paper, wiped your ass with it, and tried to give it back because you didn’t want it befouling your home.
Look, we gave you Justin Bieber because we thought you guys would at least make an effort to care for him. And you didn’t! That’s not our fault, that’s yours. He’s a reflection of your celebrity culture, not ours. If you don’t like the way he turned out, look at yourselves and ask the question: “Is this what our pop culture really is? An echo-chamber of entitlement that turns kids into monsters?” But please, don’t punish us for your mistakes.
Also, just putting this out there, but we have a BUTTLOAD of oil up here. You pass Justin Bieber off to us and you can just kiss your supply of easy gasoline GOODBYE.