- Number one at the box office this weekend was Maleficent, taking in $70,000 in its opening week. According to BoxOfficeMojo, this is Angelina Jolie‘s biggest opening weekend ever, which is good because she’s been plugging the hell out of this thing for months. She worked to fill those seats, and she earned every penny. And now, I’m going to sit and wait for Disney to release the origin story of Ursula the Sea Witch, starring Latrice Royale. (In my mind, it’s really just Latrice relaxing in a kiddie pool, screaming “GET THOSE NUTS AWAY FROM MY FACE!” for two hours. Prospective opening box office: $85 Million.)
- In second place was X-Men: Days of Future Past, taking in $32.6 Million. The movie is doing amazingly well at the box office and doing amazingly well with critics. And yet, my boyfriend is kinda lukewarm on it. I think it’s the lack of Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones that’s holding it back. Honestly, if the movie was about Ellen Page sending Wolverine back in time so that he could help Maleficent destroy the Sentinels, I think Hollywood could have erected a skyscraper made entirely of money.
- Rounding out the top three was this weekend’s other big opening, A Million Ways To Die In The West, which earned a respectable $17 Million. Compared to Ted, this isn’t a great opening, but let’s face it: American audiences love foul-mouthed teddy bears who drink and f*ck. You just can’t compare anything else to the magic of a bostonian Teddy bear rattling off white trash names. You just can’t.
- Godzilla came in at fourth, adding a very decent $12.2 Million to its total earn. The movie is about a giant, ugly, unstoppable monstrosity slowly working its way across America, leaving a path of financial destruction in its wake, which brings me to …
- Blended, Adam Sandler‘s latest vacation / movie, which earned $8.4 Million this weekend and is just barely limping towards its budget point. Brendan McGinley of Cracked wrote the most amazing critique of Adam’s latest rash of phoned-in comedies, and if you haven’t read it yet, do so now.
June 2, 2014