Welcome to the return RuPaul’s Drag Race Week here on PopBytes! Since the fifth season of Drag Race is only a week away, and because you guys loved the last RuPaul’s Drag Race Week was so well received, we’re devoting another week to the gayest, bestest show ever!
Don’t miss RuPaul’s Drag Race Week!
• Ten Tips for Surviving RuPaul’s Drag Race!
• RuPaul’s Drag Race Week: The Top Six Meltdowns!
• RuPaul’s Drag Race Week: The 6 most hilariously WTF challenges!
• RuPaul’s Drag Race Week: 12 Queens Who Deserve a Shot at All-Stars!
Now, >RuPaul’s Drag Race is a lot like a horror movie: If you don’t follow some basic rules, you’re going to end up getting the axe. But what exactly are those rules? Well, we went through all four seasons of Drag Race and analyzed why each contestant was told to sashay away. So if you ever end up on Drag Race and you want to make it to the end, just follow these rules:
#10: Know How to Sew
Every season of RuPaul’s Drag Race is like a beautiful snowflake: While no two are exactly the same, they all follow a basic pattern. There’s always a ball episode, the season always ends with a music video shoot for a new RuPaul single, and the premiere episode is always a sewing challenge. ALWAYS. So if you’re going into Drag Race and you don’t know this, you’re going home first. I’ll give Victoria “Porkchop” Parker a pass here, because no one would have seen a sewing challenge coming straight out of the gate, but by the time season 4 rolled around, there were still a few queens gob-smacked that they would have to make dresses.
#9: Keep Your Hair and Your Shoes On
When you’re on the mainstage, you’re creating an illusion, and whatever that illusion is, you cannot break it. I can’t even tell you how many queens completely shot their chances in the foot because, in the heat of the moment, they ripped off their wigs, shucked their heels, or took off their dresses. Or, in Milan’s case, did all three. In all fairness, it did make packing up their drag afterwards a breeze.
#8: Never Impersonate Lady Gaga For The Snatch Game
Every drag queen has, at some point, done a Lady Gaga number. You can’t escape her. But doing a Gaga impersonation for The Snatch Game is a surefire way to land in the bottom, as evidenced by Sonique and Phi Phi O’Hara. The truth is, Lady Gaga doesn’t have a personality; she has costumes. It doesn’t matter how well you play her, because you’d still be playing a character with no definable personality.
#7: Drag Is Not A Contact Sport
The wonderful thing about drag is that there are very few hard-and-fast rules. As long as your audience is willing to “yes and…” you, you can get away with just about anything. That being said, there are certain lines of professionalism you don’t cross, and one of them is, quite simply, keep your hands to yourself. Don’t tackle your opponent (*cough*Venus D-Lite*cough*), don’t try and put them in a chokehold (*cough*Rebecca Glasscock*cough*) and don’t throw them over your shoulder like you’re firefighter saving them from a burning building. Mimi Imfurst.
#6: Don’t Take The Judges’ Criticism Too Hard
If there was one thing that united the queens of season one, it was how much they just absolutely hated the judges. Remember how the reunion was basically just them screaming at Santino Rice and Merle Ginsberg? Exactly. Hell, Shannel probably would have made it to the final three if she hadn’t taken the judges’ criticism so harshly that she asked them to send her home. Yes, it sucks to be read, but you kinda have to just suck it up and move on.
#5: If You Have To Lipsync, Memorize The Words
Mariah Balenciaga, aka Mariah Paris, aka Mariah Successful, was one of those queens I felt could have gone so much further in the competition. Her look was polished, she had a subtle wit, and best of all, she refused to be a part of that god-awful Boogers vs. Heathers thing. Honestly, the only reason she ended up being sent home over Delta Work: She didn’t know the lyrics to the lipsync. No amount of shabalaba-tuna will save your ass if you’re lipsyncing for your life.
#4: Do NOT Keep RuPaul Waiting
Oh Rebecca Glasscock… If you had any chance of winning the first season of RuPaul’s Drag Race (AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that was funny. That was a good one.) it died during the filming of RuPaul’s “Cover Girl” video. It’s one thing to f*ck it up when Ru is making you hock blow-driers or dragging out tomboys, but if RuPaul trusts you enough to put you in her music video, and you hold up production because you couldn’t put a wig on right, congratulations! You have failed in ways the human mind can’t comprehend.
#3: Don’t Break The Rules
Just to show you how massive a no-no this one is: Willam could have very well made it to the final three. Phi Phi O’Hara, the season’s villain, had pretty much bought her ticket home, but Ru still decided to save Phi Phi and give Willam das boot, all because Willam was getting some afternoon delight from her man. Let this be a lesson: RuPaul will not have your rule-breaking. SHE WILL NOT HAVE IT.
#2: Never Wear Green
Madame LaQueer wore green once. Once. You should never dare to wear the color green on the mainstage, and I’m gonna tell you why: Michelle Visage will end you. When you least expect it, she will descend upon you. Press-on nails sharp as knives, and the sound of her stiletto heels click-clacking on the pavement behind you. You think you can escape her? That will be your final mistake. As the night closes in on you and everything you once were disappears into the void, the last thing you hear will be a hissing, resentful whisper…
“Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen … it reminds me of fungus!”
#1: When In Doubt, Turn It Out
Let me tell you the story about Jiggly Caliente: Jiggly is simultaneously one of the best and worst contestants from season 4. I loved Jiggly’s personality, but the poor girl had no awareness of what she was doing most of the time. For the RuPocalypse challenge, she wrapped herself in tin-foil and called it couture. For the Float Your Boat challenge, she cut a penis out of construction paper, and called it an anchor. And then she ate the penis-anchor. And for the Dragazines challenge, she decided to wear the most unflattering grey workout clothes and stomp a jump-rope to death.
But there was one thing that Jiggly could do better than any other contestant: The bitch could lipsync for her motherf*cking life.
There’s no way to describe what Jiggly Caliente does, because there is no way to describe what would happen if ninjas wore high heels. Jiggly Caliente can fit more splits, high-kicks, and under-boob sweat into a three-minute number than an entire Jean Claude Van Damme movie. Every time she steps on stage, it’s like physics showed up to work drunk; If Newton were alive today to see Jiggly dance, he would scream “NOOOOOO! IMPOSSIBLE!” before Gravity stopped existing and he fell off the face of the earth. The simple fact is, no matter how hard you screw up, if you can turn it out for the lipsync, you’ll be given a save.