Cher vs. Michele Bachmann: The Twitter feud!

If you’ve never experienced the typo-ridden joy that is Cher‘s Twitter stream: I’m not gonna lie, it’s absolute GOLD.  She’s like the super cool aunt that doesn’t really understand how the Internet works, but makes up for it with constant swearing. Anyway, Cher got a mailer from crazy bitch Michele Bachmann asking for money, which brought out Cher’s own crazy bitch which she ended up using for good, rather than evil.

Just got spam letter from M. Bachman! My reply ! Woman go bake 2 school take history ! & if I was on my deathbed & your best friend was JESUS!!! I WOULDNT VOTE 4 YOUR GAY HATING, BULLY LOVING , POSER CHRISTIAN ASS ! SOURCE

I really do love Michele Bachmann, I do. For pure comedy material, she is just like this endless natural resource of crazy, and I adore that because it makes my job so much easier. And it also helps that she’s married to an obviously self-hating gay and looks and acts like a malfunctioning robot from Disney World. I keep expecting an Imagineer to open up the back of her head and play around with frayed, sparking wires coming out of her metal dome.

Cher and Michele Bachmann

Links: Cher’s top ten clueless tweets!

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Ke$ha wants you to name her weiner ….

By which I mean her weiner dog. Because Ke$ha bought herself a new daschund puppy. Anyway, Ke$ha is asking fans on Twitter to name her new puppy, because why not ask the people single-handedly keeping Justin Bieber alive and relevant to name something?

The Tik Tok hitmaker recently took in a long-haired dachshund, but is struggling to come up with a suitable name – so she has urged her Twitter followers to send in their suggestions. She posted a picture of the little dog online, writing, “Just got a puppy! First pet ever. She’s a wiener dog! So cute. Need a name. A bada** name. Help!…” She later added, “Ok so far down to Bacon, Iggy, Jagger, Bowie or Roxy (after Roxy Music).” SOURCE

All right, let’s break this shit down: First off, you can’t name your dog Bacon. Samuel Colt and Chris Porter already named their dog bacon, so that shit ain’t gonna fly. Next, cross off Iggy, Jagger and Bowie because let’s face it: it’s a girl dog. Give it a girl’s name. Which I guess leave Roxy, and admittedly, Roxy is totally cute name for a puppy. Although chances are she’ll probably name her dog something like “whiskey sour” and smear it in neon green body paint, because this is Ke$ha we’re talking about here.

Ke$ha

Kate Gosselin has a Twitter stalker!

… Which if you think about it, is kind of redundant isn’t it? Anyway, Kate Gosselin was apparently being followed on Twitter by someone claiming to be the pedophile from The Lovely Bones, who sent her messages about NAMBLA and the dead girl from the book he was from, which – wait, this isn’t a stalker, this is a fucking troll! Jesus, can’t you people tell the difference at this point? I mean granted there’s not much of a difference, but still.

“He also made several inappropriate tweets involving porn as well as the young girl who was raped and murdered in the film The Lovely Bones,” Polly Kahl, MA, LPC, author of Kate Plus Eight: Reality TV & The Selling of the Gosselins, tells RadarOnline.com exclusively. A few of her fans alerted Kate about GeorgeHarvey2 and her own security team took over.  He has since been blocked from following her. Kate returned the favor. “Thanks4watching out 4 me,” she Tweeted on Tuesday. SOURCE

Look, stalkers and pedophiles are real dangers, and you really should do your best to protect your kids from both. That being said, I kind of doubt this guy was either a stalker or a pedophile. Chances are, he was just some guy trolling Kate on Twitter. Let’s face it, what better way is there for someone to annoy a celebrity? I mean, aside from just ignoring them. Your attention is like vitamins for celebrities.

Kate Gosselin

Jake Shears just won Twitter!

I don’t follow many celebrities on Twitter, mostly because something like 90% of celebrity Twitter feeds are couch-fuckingly stupid, or ghostwritten by a paid PR guy. That being said, Jake Shears (of Scissor Sisters) has always been pretty good about not being boring or fake, and as a blessing to the Twitterverse, he posted pictures of himself wearing nothing but a jockstrap, and you’ve stopped reading this and just skipped straight to the pictures, haven’t you? Fuck it, I was going to offer the exact coordinates of the fountain of youth, but instead I’m just going to type a bunch of gibberish. Coconut bucket wristwatch tango monkey butt shark farts.

Jake Shears

Blake Shelton is a douchebag!

I haven’t really taken the time to watch The Voice, mostly because I didn’t really care about American Idol, and I sure as hell won’t care about an Idol rip-off. Anyway, I really won’t be watching it now that it turns out judge Blake Shelton might be a homophobic asshole. Also, he completely ruined a perfectly good Shania Twain song. You bastard!

Re-writing my fav Shania Twain song.. Any man that tries Touching my behind He’s gonna be a beaten, bleedin’, heaving kind of guy…

Shelton, hearing comments about his perceived homophobia, later tweeted:

“Ba! Ha! Reading all my anti-gay hate tweets…. Ha! Ha! If people only knew even a little about me, my family and friends. Dumb asses…”

“@becchez: Please make it right! I want 2 like u again.” Ha! Ok try this. Its meant to be from a girls point of view.. Thus, “Shania Twain”

UPDATE: Gay-rights advocacy group GLAAD has called on Shelton to apologize for the initial tweet; the organization sent the singer a tweet, saying, “No, @BlakeShelton – violent, anti-gay statements are not what a woman wants. Apologize now. #LGBT #gay #thevoice @NBCTheVoice”

UPDATE II: Shelton has now formally apologized over Twitter, sending out a series of messages about the incident …

Hey y’all allow me to seriously apologize for the misunderstanding with the whole re-write on the Shania song last night…

It honestly wasn’t even meant that way… I now know that their are people out there waiting to jump at everything I say on here or anywhere

But when it comes to gay/lesbian rights or just feelings… I love everybody. So go look for a real villain and leave me out of it!!!

@glaad hey I want my fans and @nbcthevoice fans to know that anti-gay and lesbian violence is unacceptable!!!!! Help me!!!! And DM me…

SOURCE

No, that’s fucking stupid. You wrote a Shania Twain song from your perspective and now everyone hates you for it. You don’t get to pass the buck onto Shania. Seriously, if Shania got her ass grabbed, she would handle it with class and sophistication instead of acting like some knuckle-dragging dumbass.

Blake Shelton

Everyone is happy that Osama is dead!

So it turns out that when you’re the man behind one of (if not THE) most devastating attack on American soil ever, no one will really be all that sad to see you go. If anything, everyone will party and drink and gloat about it on Twitter and Facebook because you’re less than scum and your death not only brought some closure to the millions of families torn apart by 9/11, but landed a huge blow to the face of terrorism. So now it’s time for a round-up of celebrities celebrating Osama bin Laden‘s death on Twitter, because I’m pretty sure every single part of that sentence would piss bin Laden off to NO end.

Neil Patrick Harris: Everyone is sitting around my living room, mouths agape. Wow, what a night. Thank you, Mr. President, for such an eloquent speech.

Lindsay Lohan: Go USA!

Paris Hilton: Just landed back in LA, so happy to hear the news of Osama bin Laden’s death. He was the face of terrorism and such an evil man. The world is a much better place with him not in it.

Dancing With The Stars pro Mark Ballas: Finally Justice #Osamaisdead… Sending love out to our Brave troops … we are so grateful

Charlie Sheen: Dead or Alive. WE PREFER DEAD! Well done SEAL team! AMERICA: #WINNING that’s how we roll

Katy Perry: AMERICA F*** YEAH, HERE TO SAVE THE MOTHER F***IN DAY YEAH!

Rob Lowe: Tonight’s long awaited news sounds like the work of the S.E.A.L’s. Good job guys, many families thank you… At ground zero now. Everyone together. No separate religions or political parties. Just people. Americans together; proud.

Director Michael Moore: I’m in New York tonight, no one’s going 2 bed. It’s 1am. There’s so much happening Ground Zero packed so many remembering that horrible day.

James Van Der Beek: Amidst all the chants of “USA”, let’s recognize that removing #Osama is a victory in the fight for human dignity. And that war ain’t over…

Kristen Chenoweth: I’m thrilled we got Osama. Prayers and thoughts go out to all 9-11 families.

Nia Vardalos: God bless all servicemen/women who pursue justice in search of freedom.

The Office’s Mindy Kaling: I hope all families with loved ones who perished on September 11th are feeling some closure. Our country’s great.

Olivia Munn: Coming from a military family and as a proud American- GOD BLESS all the soldiers fighting this war. BIG HUG!! #cantheycomehomenow??

Sandra Bernhard: thank you @barackobama for getting the job done, quietly with class and dignity. nuff said.

Dane Cook: Osama Bin Laden’s demise finally comes after stupidly activating his iPhones FIND MY PHONE feature.

Vampire Diaries star Ian Somerhalder: “Trump demands to see osama death cert”

Jimmy Fallon: Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.

Kevin Nealon: Throngs of citizens are celebrating outside The White House waiting for Obama and Michelle to kiss on the balcony. SOURCE

I’m going to keep this brief, mostly because I don’t want to keep you waiting for whatever it is you’ll have to deal with on the other side, so suck it, asshole. No man is more powerful than liberty and justice, and you have the gaping bullet wounds to prove it, fucker. Congratulations and thanks to our troops currently fighting to maintain the freedoms we’ll never truly be able to repay you for.

Osama bin Laden

Lady Gaga’s Twitter got hacked!

Because it was really only a matter of time before something like this happened, Lady Gaga‘s Twitter account was hacked yesterday, apparently by someone Spanish who, instead of posting funny comments on it, wasted the entire thing promoting Shakira, Youtube videos and some shitty horoscope thing. People figured out that it wasn’t actually Gaga when they realized the tweets contained neither pandering shout-outs to her Little Monsters or random bullshit about fashion, art or futuristic alien races.

The Born This Way singer took action after a number of mysterious Spanish tweets made their way onto her feed. She tweeted: ‘Whoever is hacking my Twitter must answer to 10 million monsters and Twitter police. #DontMakeMeCallTheApostles’ The messages appeared early this morning including links to Spanish YouTube-related sites, a mention of fellow pop diva Shakira, and a hashtag leading to a Spanish horoscope account. SOURCE

Aw, what a colossal wasted of potential trolling. Honestly, if you’re going to hack someone’s Twitter account, the least you can do is announce to the world that they have a penis made of chainsaws or something. Is that so hard? I mean yes, the hacker was spanish, but I’m pretty sure they have a word for “flame-throwing cock of death” too.

PS As a bonus, Lady Gaga’s Gagavision no. 44 is posted below!

Lady Gaga

LeAnn Rimes is a skinny bitch!

So everyone’s favourite man-stealing adulteress, LeAnn Rimes, apparently lost a bit of weight or something because everyone’s freaking out over the fact that she looks like one of Skeletor’s concubines. Well apparently, the bitch isn’t going to take it lying down (unless it’s from another woman’s husband. HEY-O!), because she’s bitching and moaning on Twitter about how she’s not anorexic, she’s just … I don’t know, small-boned I guess? That’s a thing, right? Ugh, let’s just go with it.

Leann Rimes is firing back at criticism of her noticeably thinner frame exclaiming on Twitter, “dear lord! I do not workout too much nor do I starve myself.”

“I’m so over this and moving on.”

She said: “Maybe it’s time for a nude pic so peeps can see how I look nowhere near what these stupid pics are trying to make me look like, LOL #joke SOURCE

Oh sweetie, it’s not that we think you’re anorexic, it’s just that … well, let’s put it this way: thanks to your implants, you basically look like a pair of melon halves stapled to a fence post. We’re worried about you. I mean, if you die, who are we going to keep making fun of for being a cheating cheater that cheats? All we’re asking is that you just eat something other than a married man’s cock for once.

LeAnn Rimes

James Franco quit the Internet!

So after running his name into the ground and ruining any chance he has at ever hosting anything ever again, James Franco has decided that social media is over, and has decided to take his ball and go home by cancelling his Twitter account. Well, whatever. So long, stoner. Don’t let the cyber-door hit you in the fleshy flat space where your ass is supposed to be.

“Social media is over. Still up there. Going down. You heard it here first,” James, whose Twitter account has been shut down, told Politico last week at a benefit event for creative writing nonprofit 826’s Washington D.C. chapter. “My thought was, ‘This is my Twitter. I can do whatever I want.’ But certain companies I work with contacted me about what I was saying,” James explained. SOURCE

So basically, Franco caved into business, so clearly Twitter is to blame, instead of the fact that James is a colossal sell-out? Makes sense. Whatever Franco. I used to think you were cool in the sort of wise stoner way, but it turns out your just like the angry, bitter stoner that yells at you for throwing out a tiny, unsmokeable nubbin of a joint. I dumped one of your kind before, I can do it again.

James Franco

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