Yup, those words just happened. Nothing I say can possibly top a rabid sea lion attack, so let’s just jump straight to the details about Shakira‘s scary experience with wildlife from Us Weekly:

The singer took to her Facebook page Sunday to detail how she was attacked by a wild sea lion while on a nature tour in Cape Town, South Africa Sunday. The little guy was startled when the 34-year-old star tried to get a closer look and take a photo.

“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me,” she wrote. “I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.”

Now that the Colombian beauty managed to get away pretty unscathed (she said she and her brother have some scrapes from the rocks), she’s taking a perspective like that of a zoologist to explain her rough run-in with wildlife.

“I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the BlackBerry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” Shakira wrote.

Is it too soon to call Sea Lions the Chris Browns of the sea? I’m going to go ahead and patent that right now. “Bitch, are you peeping my phone? The one that looks like a fish? I’MMA KILL YOU, BITCH! *Throws a chair at a window* Arf arf!”

She Wolf crooner Shakira is known for her bilingual catalog of Spanish kissed pop ballads, but she is ready to bulldoze past new language barriers according to a recent press conference. The singer was in Morocco earlier this week where she revealed, “It would be a challenge to do an album in Arabic, I would first have to learn Arabic. I am completely open to that experience … at some point I would love that to happen in my life”. She also revealed that while growing up she was exposed to Middle Eastern singers like Fairuz and Umm Kaithum. The big reveal happened at the Mawazine World Rhythms Musical Festival, an eight day long festival with over sixty acts from across the globe, other performers included Kanye West and Lionel Ritchie. Shakira is currently on a world tour and is also slated to perform in the Bollywood film Azaan.