Jon Hamm hates Paris and Kim!

Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm is the greatest man to ever live. Not only is he sexy, talented, funny, and the star of one of the greatest shows ever to feature a scene where a drunken secretary obliterates a man's foot with a riding lawn mower during an office party, but it turns out he hates Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian almost as much as I do. I say "almost" because until he starts jokingly comparing Paris' vajooter to a prehistoric carnivore, I've still got him MORE

Paris Hilton gets her ‘Drunk Text’ on!

Paris Hilton - Drunk Text

I have no idea who Manufactured Superstars are, but I'm sure they're terrible people because they saw fit to let Paris Hilton lend her voice to their new single Drunk Text (watch the music video below), which according to the Geneva Convention, is a crime punishable by immolation. Anyway, the whole thing is just as terrible as you would think anything starring Paris would be. Seriously, this song and video are what you would create if you wanted MORE

Paris Hilton is teaming up with LMFAO!

Paris Hilton and LMFAO

Remember when Paris Hilton decided that falling out of a rich vagina and spending the rest of her life sitting pretty because she won the genetic lottery somehow meant she could sing? Like most of America, you probably blocked that out with binge drinking. Lots and lots of binge drinking. Well, Paris is about to stoke those buried memories because she's decided to resurrect her singing career (actually, any career would be good for her right now) MORE

Paris Hilton earned $1.3 Billion since 2005!

Paris Hilton

I almost feel like I should put the word "earned" in quotation marks ... oh well, coulda shoulda woulda. In news that I have no doubt will fill you with the kind of all-consuming rage unseen since LeAnn Rimes accidentally consumed the other half of the Tic Tac she was having for lunch, Paris Hilton told FHM that she's earned $1.3 BILLION since 2005 thanks to her many product lines. Hey, remember that famewhore tax I mentioned yesterday that would MORE

Five things wrong with Paris’ Vanity Fair Spain cover

Paris Hilton

I'm sorry, but with the holidays approaching, the news has more or less dried up (expect light posting tomorrow, since no one will be doing anything interesting and I'll be on a bus home to Montreal for the holidays). So here's Paris Hilton's new Vanity Fair (Spain) cover. Yup, Spain. In case you ever wanted to pinpoint where Obscurity is on a map. What are you willing to bet this stiff-ass wig is made out of the hair of missing children? I MORE

Barbara Walters & Janice Dickinson hate the Kardashians!

Barbara Walters, Janice Dickison and the Kardashians

As we reported earlier, Barbara Walters included the Kardashians on her list of the most fascinating people of 2011, because someone on her staff must have mistaken "fascinating" for "boring but also inhumane". Anyway, it turns out she filmed her interview with them back in September because they swore up and down nothing major would change between then and now. So of course, because the gang of famewhores said this, it was completely untrue and MORE

Paris Hilton is an awesome neighbor!

Paris Hilton

Do you remember famewhore Paris Hilton? She used to be famous - Oh, wait, scratch that. She used to think she was famous and society sort of just went along with it because we are nothing if not generous to delusional whores (See: Kardashian, any of them). Anyway, it seems that instead of moving back to Obscurityville, CA, she shacked up in a gated community, where everyone is treating her the way we used to: with thinly veiled disdain for her MORE

Paris Hilton vs. Naked protester chick!

Paris Hilton

Now that I've got your attention, here's where I tell you about how Paris Hilton was in Ukraine for a press conference to support the Miss Ukraine competition when she was upstaged by a naked protester from FEMEN, a group who's fighting against the pageant because they believe it's a front for prostitution. Which makes it all the more weirder that they're choice protesting method is to take off all their clothes, which would sort of be like PETA MORE

DJ Paris Hilton: Queen of house music?

Paris Hilton

What's a famous whore to do when they've successfully bombed their career through a combination of cocaine and self-absorption? They become a DJ! Seriously, I've seen it first hand, and according to TMZ, the latest former-celebrity to jump on the bandwagon is Paris Hilton since let's face it, it's not like she has any other skills to fall back on other than being able to press "play" on her iPod. Sources close to P tell TMZ ... Hilton has been MORE

Paris Hilton is a ghost now!

Paris Hilton

Just in case you didn't think the saga of Paris Hilton's spiral downward from low-grade fame, cocaine and whoring to ... well, lower-grade fame, cocaine and whoring couldn't get any sadder, she's now resorted to going onstage at Deadmau5 concerts dressed as Charlie Brown from his It's the Great Pumpkin days and pretending she's a ghost. A slutty ghost naturally, because all costumes for women are basically just sluttier versions of things we used MORE

Paris Hilton’s reality show has been canceled!

Paris Hilton

AHAHAHAHAHAHA Paris Hilton HAHAHAHAHAHAHA The World According to Paris HAHAHAHAHAHAHA canceled by Oxygen HAHAHAHAHA low ratings HAHA bitchy behavior HAHAHAHAHAHA generally acting like a huge C-U-Next-Tuesday HAHAHA stupid whore's career is over. Also, HA! Hilton's series was pretty much dead on arrival, earning barely 400,000 viewers for its June debut and sinking even lower in subsequent airings. The network isn't officially commenting on its MORE

The Lohan-Hilton party just won’t stop!

Lindsay Lohan and Nicky Hilton

Because she is, if nothing else, a party-obsessed moron with no sense of personal responsibility, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly planning on running off with Paris and Nicky Hilton to South France on another bender, because it's not like flying out of the country didn't lead to her "losing" her passport and almost going to jail. Although this entire thing could be fake/a total lie since this is coming from Michael "Mesh Shirt" Lohan. Instead of MORE

Lindsay fell down again, with Paris and Nicky Hilton!

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton

No, this is not a repeat of four years ago. Anyway, someone must have let it slip to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that the only reason that the two of them are, or were ever famous is because they're both drunk sluts, so the two of them merged Voltron-style over the weekend with Paris' newly single sister, Nicky Hilton (told ya!) to go out clubbing until four in the morning. And of course, Lindsay said that she wasn't drunk and it was all MORE

Oh, Please: Paris Hilton was ambushed!

Paris Hilton and Dan Harris

Remember how Paris Hilton walked out of an interview after she was forced for the first time in her life to reflect on her actions and how they may have cost her her fame, which is at this point the only thing she has going for her? Well, now she's claiming that she was ambushed and the whole thing was one of those gotcha-style questions from the lamestream media. Though to be fair, every question can be considered a gotcha question when you're MORE