Stay classy, PETA!

Bad news for Lindsay Lohan: Considering she hasn't worked in, like, forever, while her mother continues to suck her dry like the succubus we all know she is, her funds are starting to run low and she might not be able to pay for her rehab bill. But no worries! PETA is willing to pony over the cash for her stay as long as she ditches her addiction ... to meat. Ummmm, hate to break it to you, but that's not what she's in for. Dear Lindsay, We MORE

Lindsay Lohan is going back for more rehab!

Oh thank God. Following her trial early this morning (which I tried very hard to ignore, but failed), Lindsay Lohan has managed to avoid jail time and has instead been sentenced back to rehab until January 3rd. In a related story, mom Dina is currently shopping around Lindsay's Xmas comeback album, I'm Dreaming Of A White (Powder) Christmas: Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Christmas! (which will also make for a great TV special!) Lindsay Lohan was just MORE

Michael Lohan doesn’t understand irony!

Now that Michael Lohan has done everything in his power to make himself look like the biggest goddamn embarrassment in a family of embarrassments, Ol' Mesh Shirt has decided that he'll never make another statement to the press regarding his (messy) daughter Lindsay Lohan, ever again. He did so via a statement to the press. I just facepalmed myself so hard I actually gave myself brain damage. How do numbers work again? In the no-more-statements MORE

Dina Lohan might get sh*tcanned!

Because it was totally bound to happen eventually, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly being advised by the Betty Ford Clinic to fire her mother, Dina Lohan, as her manager in order to keep her from falling off the wagon again. Which is sort of like saying that deleting your dealers number from your cell phone might help keep you off the powdery stuff. Lindsay Lohan is being advised to cut mom Dina loose from her business empire and acting career if she MORE

Michael Lohan will ‘become’ a drunk for Lindsay!

Now that his meal ticket daughter is locked away in rehab and he has zero chance of seeing her, Michael Lohan is determined to break into Betty Ford the only way he knows how: by being admitted as a patient. Michael has sworn to drink a ton of booze and get arrested in order to see Lindsay, which is basically what he already does on Tuesday anyway. We're told Michael is going to show up at Betty Ford and demand admission. He will stage his own MORE

Lindsay Lohan tried to break out of rehab!

But wait, it gets better! Lindsay Lohan was caught trying to sneak out of Betty Ford the other day in order to buy some Coke! You know, the delicious cola beverage? Okay, yes, that was deliberately misleading, but come on; who tries to break out of rehab for a fucking soda? In a tale so bizarre it is almost unbelievable, RadarOnline.com has confirmed the Hollywood wild child attempted to flee the Betty Ford grounds to sneak into the nearby MORE

Dina Lohan has always been a parental failure!

Just in case you ever doubted Dina Lohan's ability to completely suck at being a competent mother, reports are coming in saying that Dina was warned seven years ago about how her daughter Lindsay Lohan might be a textbook crackwhore, and Dina did... Well, exactly as much parenting as you could expect Dina to do, really. Christ, the woman makes Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady! But our sources say the investigator became alarmed when he saw MORE

Dina Lohan is still a giant failure as a mother!

The general rule in Hollywood is that, if you want to save a little face, you go to Barbara Walters. Barbara will lob soft balls at you while she sings you a lullaby and bakes you cookies. Case in point: Dina Lohan went to Barbara to let everyone know that, while she may have screwed her kids up to the point of no return, she's a great mother. Yeah, and so was Joan Crawford. According to Walters, Dina also wanted to make it clear that while MORE

Oh girl, tell us something we didn’t already know!

It sounds like Lindsay Lohan is finally admitting what we've known all along - she's an addict and an alcoholic - surprise, surprise! We've poked a lot of fun at Lindsay over the past few months - she's been the butt of many jokes - but all kidding aside - I really do hope she's finally able to get herself back on the sober track! Girlfriend has had so many setbacks and second chances, her extended stay at the Betty Ford Center could be her last MORE

Lindsay Lohan is going to rehab instead

Because as we all know, the criminal justice system is for poor people who can't use their massive amounts of undeserved money to get out of your coke-fueled car chase, Lindsay Lohan will go to rehab instead of jail. Hey, it worked so well the last time, why not do it again? Chances are the dumbass little prostitute will just spend the entire duration in her room chasing the dragon, but what do I know, right? We've learned the facility is in MORE

And Lindsay Lohan’s back in jail. Again.

Well who couldn't see this one coming: Lindsay Lohan is back in jail (AGAIN) for failing two of her court mandated drug tests because Lindsay Lohan metabolizes cocaine and adderall the way us normal people metabolize food. You see people? This is what happens when you feed your Mogwai after midnight. Lindsay Lohan has arrived at a Los Angeles jail after a judge refused to set bail until another hearing nearly a month away. Bailiffs escorted the MORE

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t give a f*ck!

Yeah it's official: If Lindsay Lohan gave any less of a shit about her drug addiction, she'd probably die of constipation. As it turns out, her little Twitter confession about how she failed her drug tests? She wrote that in a bar. While her friends egged her on the entire time and she laughed about the whole thing. Yes, this sounds about right. Lohan composed her missive as her assistant and a male pal coached her on how to make it "more MORE

No, seriously, what the hell?

Oh what the fuck, people. I'm gonna be honest with you, I do porn and even I'm just at a complete loss about this one. Lindsay Lohan is being offered $50,000 by a fetish website to do ... balloon porn. Seriously. Fully-clothed. No sex. Just come in, pop balloons, leave $50,000 richer. LOL WUT A rep for Clips4Sale.com tells TMZ they sent the offer to Lindsay's lawyer -- if LiLo comes in and pops a few balloons -- on camera of course -- she'll MORE

The dumbest lawsuit ever got settled

Hey, remember the good old days when Lindsay Lohan just sued babies instead of, you know, running into them with her car? Oh, those were the days ... Anyway, that lawsuit she whipped out on E*Trade for the Milkaholic Baby she thought was based on her has been settled, and I'm sure that money will serve her well when Paris Hilton smuggles her into Puerto Plata in her vagina. A lawyer says Lindsay Lohan is "satisfied" to have resolved her $100 MORE