After seeing Holly Madison rake in money and attention by insuring her $2 boobs for $1 Million (truly a sound investment, if you’re trying to lose all your money) Crystal Harris has decided to hop onto the selling out tacky useless shit bandwagon by hawking the engagement ring Hugh Hefner gave her to let him slap his wrinkled penis against her forehead. Picture it … aaaaaaaaand you know what hell is like. Via TMZ:

A diamond isn’t always forever … sometimes its only for 6 months — especially for Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee Crystal Harris … who just put her engagement ring on a pretty famous auction block! TMZ has learned … the platinum ring, which boasts a 3.39 carat circular-cut diamond — will be auctioned off by Christie’s in NYC next month. According to the listing, the ring is expected to sell somewhere in the range of $20 -$30k.

See? Truly a happy ending for everyone involved. Hugh avoided being smothered to death in his sleep by a gold-digging skank for his money, and Crystal got a nice little windfall by faking love. It’s like my mom always says, when life gives you lemons, you break-up with life just a few days before your wedding, trash them in the tabloids, then pawn the lemons off on eBay for mucho dinero.

Continuing in the long-standing tradition of gold diggers talking to the media in order to keep themselves from having to get a real job, Crystal Harris decided to go on Sirius XM’s Howard Stern Show to talk about her sex life with Hugh Hefner and- HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRG! Oh God … oh God, I’m sorry, I just … vomited a liBLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Damn you to hell, Crystal!

Talk about a low blow. After dumping Hugh Hefner just days before their June 18th wedding, Playboy model Crystal Harris opened up about their sex life during a Tuesday interview on Sirius XM’s Howard Stern Show. “[It lasted] like, two seconds,” Harris, 25, said, dissing the famed men’s magazine editor. “Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.” SOURCE

Why … why would anyone talk about that? TO ANYONE?! I mean, just … first off, who publicly dumps someone days before their wedding, then tells everyone that they suck at sex? I mean yeah, he’s 84, and at this point he probably couldn’t even take a shit with breaking a hip, no less actually have sex, but still, you probably shouldn’t be the one to say it out loud. Second, WHY ARE YOU MAKING US THINK ABOUT HUGH’S OLD MAN PENIS, YOU TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING?

Now that the dust has more or less settled and everyone has come down from the initial shock of another blonde gold-digging whore refusing to marry an old guy because he didn’t have enough money, Crystal Harris is now telling anybody who will listen that she actually just had second thoughts about marrying Hugh Hefner (money), that it was a mutual agreement (money) and that she wants some peace (money).

“For a while, I’d been having second thoughts about everything, so I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately,” Harris, 25, told Ryan Seacrest Wednesday morning on his KIIS-FM radio show. “It was all just happening too fast for me. I just sat back and thought about it all,” she continued. “Is this what I wanted? And it wasn’t.”

“There was no fight,” explains July’s Playboy cover girl, prematurely identified as “Mrs. Crystal Hefner.” “He understood, and we both agreed that it wasn’t the best idea to get married. He was doing it for me because he thought it was what I wanted.” Harris, who says she “wanted to be true to myself,” admits, “This isn’t the lifestyle for me.” SOURCE

Oh, poor Hef … where else is he going to find a blonde woman in Los Angeles with huge fake tits and no real career aspirations who would gladly marry his ancient ass in exchange for all his money? *Swings a dead cat* Yup, there’s ten of ‘em right there. Congratulations, Hef! Time to get bled dry by more whores!