Surgery makes Famewhore Barbie feel like this —> :(

As we draw nearer and nearer to Heidi Montag's body's first birthday, it seems Famewhore Barbie is still bitching and moaning about how getting ten plastic surgeries in one day for the sake of attention might not have been the best idea ever. In fact, it's so bad that Heidi can't talk without Spencer Pratt shoving his arm up her ass and working her jaw. SOURCE | LIFE & STYLE Heidi Montag was seeking perfection when she famously underwent 10 MORE

Heidi Montag learns self-defense!

Now that she and her stupid husband are completely broke (No matter how many times I say that out loud, it never stops being funny!) Heidi Montag has decided to take up self-defense, since she can no longer afford bodyguards and Spencer Pratt is a huge pussy who couldn't defend a leaf from a caterpillar. Heidi has been training to become a black belt in Wing Tsun with her trainer (SIFU) Michael Casey who explained that "the system is geared MORE

Oh for God’s sake, just shut up already, Heidi!

For those of you wondering about Heidi Montag's recent rehashing of the "Oh, look how many surgeries I've had!" bit, it turns out it was for an ABC special called Celebrity Plastic Surgery Gone Too Far? Seriously. This is a real thing. Anyway, if you honestly don't think this entire thing isn't one huge publicity grab so that you won't think Heidi hasn't fallen off the face of the Earth, click the little red X in the corner of your screen. You MORE

Heidi Montag was in love with her plastic surgeon!

Because of fucking course she was, a friend of the now deceased Dr. Frank Ryan is coming forward, saying that Heidi Montag was actually in love with her doctor, that she wanted to physically turn herself into a Barbie Doll, and that Dr. Ryan was actually killed by his evil twin brother after seducing Heidi during a wedding! *Dramatic Organ Sting* Okay, I made that last one up, but it fits, doesn't it? Heidi Montag found love with Spencer Pratt, MORE

Speidi tried to get divorced just for money!

Because it is entirely possible to be both morally AND financially bankrupt at the same time, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt revealed in an interview that their divorce over the past summer was entirely real, but they were only doing it for the money that comes with reality TV shows and interviews, but then they realized that no one actually gave a shit about them so they canceled it. I actually think my soul just threw up. "The divorce was real MORE

Heidi and Spencer are bankrupt!

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ... Ahem, excuse me, I have no idea where that came from. Anyway, as it turns out Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are even dumber than we all thought they were, because the two of them somehow managed to blow through $10 million bucks and are now broke, living with Spencer's parents. My God, Christmas came early this year! Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause. And he just delivered a MORE

Speidi: Now at a strip club near you!

Man, times sure are tough for famewhores, huh? Tila Tequila had to cut the price of her back alley handjobs from $5 to $2.99, Dina Lohan has to pimp out her less famous daughter, and now the two-headed douche-beast know as Speidi have to go to Hustler Strip Club in order to pick up tips for their next act. You know what? Yes. This sounds right. "Fortunately, we are together," Heidi told Doug Elfman of the Las Vegas Review-Journal on Thursday, MORE

Speidi is together, not dead; Rest of the world weeps

Because you can't actually get a divorce if you're marriage was actually just an elaborate sham for a crappy TV show you put together to extend your fifteen minutes of fame, Heidi Montag and Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard have gotten back together! But not really. It's so nice to know that two people can work through their scripted differences to reunite the passion they obviously do not have for each other. LOS ANGELES -- [Name Redacted] says his MORE

Heaven help us all: Speidi is still together!

Good news for those of you who like morally bankrupt, reprehensible famewhores: Speidi might be getting back together! I mean, technically they were never broken up to begin with, because the fake divorce they got for their fake marriage was fakedy fake fake fake, but still, Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard is working hard to win back Heidi Montag the only way he knows how: with a press release. In an email to the Associated Press, Spencer Pratt, 27, MORE

Speidi isn’t selling that sex tape anymore

Well, looks like after Vivid Video called them on their bluff, Heidi Montag and Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard have backed away from selling the sex tape that never existed ... Oh, wait, I'm sorry, it says here that Heidi 'pulled the kill switch' on it, which she could have done weeks ago if it weren't for the fact that she's a complete famewhore and a colossal fucking dumb ass. Sources close to the couple tell us [Name Redacted]'s rep shot a letter MORE

Speidi’s sex tape isn’t real; The world isn’t ending!

Who fucking called it? Anyway, it looks like Vivid Video is calling Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard on is bluff by demanding he show a preview of the supposed sex tapes if he wants his money. The only problem? He's not giving them any sneak peeks. Granted, Karissa Shannon has said that there was a sex tape, but considering that's the only reason you know her name, of course she's saying there's a sex tape. Steven Hirsch tells TMZ he isn't going to down MORE

Jenna Jameson to Heidi Montag: *BITCHSLAP!*

Because it's not news when I say it multiple goddamn times, Jenna Jameson, the woman with the most famous vagina in the world, took to Twitter to call Heidi Montag, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Danielle Staub and Kendra Wilkinson a bunch of lying whores for pretending that their sex tapes oopsy-accidentally made it to the point of commercial distribution. Told ya so. "Why do people do porno tapes, sell them, make boatloads of money, then LIE MORE

Speidi is fighting over a book. Really.

Now that Heidi Montag and Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard have finally split, Pedo-Beard has decided to write a tell-all book about The Hills and his co-stars and blah blah blah. Anyway, now Heidi is pissed off, and she's threatening to sue him over it. I've never been one for book burning, but really, you'd be better off burning his book for warmth than actually reading it. TMZ has learned ... Heidi Montag is downright furious with [Name Redacted]'s MORE

speidi is no more!

Ladies and gentlemen, the long national nightmare is finally over: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have officially filed for divorce. I'll be damned if this news isn't like waking up on your birthday and finding out that Santa Claus is real, and that he looks like Ryan Reynolds, and that he's walking around shirtless handing out free money. Which is to say: BEST NEWS EVER. "Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a MORE