When culture pops, we wipe it up ...
 |  |  |
Once upon a time, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were famous, and then they weren't. The End. Except then the U.K. (the people who brought you Katie Price and Geordie Shore) decided they could just import terrible American celebrities and give them another shot at infamy by putting them on Celebrity Big Brother, and lo and behold, Speidi limped out of their grave and back into sorta-relevancy. So now they're getting their own one-off TV special MORE
Back when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were still relevant, they went through what I affectionately call their "crazy phase," where they basically blew millions of dollars on healing crystals, pretended they were military heroes, and spent all their time trying to convince people not to get tattoos because they were a sign of the apocalypse. So it shouldn't be too surprising that they also believed in the Mayan apocalypse, and ended up blowing MORE
When we last left Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, they were banished to a cold dark basement by complete strangers and Spencer was acting like a douchebag. Basically, the universe was as it should be. Anyway, because nothing brings in the page views like a sex tape, even if it's a sex tape by useless nobodies -- Hello, Octomom! -- Spencer and Heidi figured that there was no better place to make another fake sex tape than on Celebrity Big MORE
When we last left vapid reality famewhores Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, they had been banished to live in the cold, dark basement of the Celebrity Big Brother house (in the UK) like the inbred monster children they are. Except somehow, Spencer either got his hands on a phone or someone hacked into his Twitter account, because someone is currently douching it up on Twitter under the guise of Spencer and his magical flesh-coloured MORE
For those of you who weren't around a couple years back, when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (aka Speidi) were ever present on gossip blogs despite the fact that they did literally nothing, let me sing you the song of their people: Once upon a time, Heidi and Spencer were on an MTV reality show. They realized they would get more camera time the worse they were, so they spent all their time being terrible, to the point where Spencer actually MORE
Oh heck, we all knew this was going to happen sooner or later, right? Heidi Montag, or at the very least, the shrieking collection of meat and silicone that stole her face, has finally decided to start booking gigs at strip clubs. Granted, only as a hostess, but still, I'm sure if you stick a couple quarters in the coin slot located on her neck, she'll probably start rocking back and forth like one of those child-sized metal rocket ships outside MORE
A couple years ago, Heidi Montag wrote a book with Spencer Pratt, which was about as well-received as a letter full of anthrax. Of course, Heidi Montag hasn't learned anything from that, because she's decided that she's going to dig herself out of the bottomless grave of debt she put herself in by writing an autobiography. I hope she knows that being able to spell out her own name on the "fridgerator" using letter magnets does not constitute MORE
Earlier this week, reports surfaced that famewhores Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were flat broke and couldn't get any work because they never paid their agents. Except now Heidi and Spencer are claiming that they still have money and that they totally aren't in any sort of debt at all because they never had agents to begin with! Which makes total sense when you remember that this is Heidi and Spencer and lying is what they do when they're bored MORE
When we last left Spencer Pratt, he and plastic wife Heidi Montag were broke (HA), living in their parents' pool house (DOUBLE HA) and they both basically looked like fifty-year-olds who realized that everything they would ever accomplish was years ago (SCHADENFREUDIAN HA). Anyway, it gets better: according the Us Weekly, it turns out Spencer can't find work now because the only skill on his resume is "terrible human being", he also screwed his MORE
Can you believe famewhore Heidi Montag turned 25 over the weekend? Well, some of her anyway. Her tits are three, her lips are two, her back scoop is four … point is, legally her birthday was this weekend and legally she’s 25 years old. And she looks like hell. Good to know that those thousands and thousands of dollars worth of cosmetic surgery weren’t a complete waste, as long as she wanted to look like a bloated 45-year-old MORE
When we last left Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, they were probably doing ... something. I don't know. It probably involved the two of them lying in order to remain tethered to last fading tatters of their relevance, which I'm not going to lie, has sort of become a running theme with most of the people we make fun of here. Anyway, they somehow managed to land an interview with The Daily Beast, where they pretty much openly admit that everything MORE
Because apparently, marrying a famewhoring douchebag for the sake of a shitty reality show that got canceled makes someone an expert on romance, Heidi Montag told Ryan Seacrest that Crystal Harris still loves Hugh Hefner. Yeah, I'm sure that's why he left him days before the wedding then pawned the ring off. Nothing says "I love you!" like capitalizing off your failed wedding. “She knows what’s right for her life and it’s her life and MORE
So as I mentioned yesterday, Heidi Montag hosted a party with Crystal Harris over the weekend, because the only thing more painful than when there's a useless plastic whore is when there's TWO useless plastic whores! You know, in case one malfunctions. Anyway, Heidi decided to play up her fleeting glimpse of attention by telling anyone who will listen that she works out 14 hours a day, which is a total crock of shit because rubber loses its MORE
Now that her marriage to Hugh Hefner has been canned and the date has been passed, Crystal Harris decided to put that part of herself behind and party it up with Heidi Montag, because what better way to forget about your old life spent hanging around dumb, fake, blonde whores then by OH WAIT. Hugh Hefner's runaway bride celebrated what would have been her wedding day on Saturday poolside in Las Vegas with friends, including Heidi Montag. "I MORE
 | |
 | |
 |
 |
 |
