Here’s a fun game! Seventeen-year-old famewhore bride Courtney Stodden spoke to RadarOnline yesterday about her wedding night with 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison, and they went ahead and posted the transcript online because they’re just begging to be investigated for peddling child porn now. Anyway, here’s the game: read through this shit and see how far you can get before you lose any and all faith in humanity. I got to three sentences. See if you can do better!

We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight,” Courtney, who was a 16-year-old virgin when she married Doug, candidly confessed of their first night together as man and wife. When asked why she thought people found her and Doug’s union so controversial, Courtney teased: “I think it was because he was 51 and his life is over and I’m just venturing out on mine. I’m here to make the second half of [Doug’s] life a lot better!”

One highlight of the Q & A was Courtney’s response when asked what she would study if she wanted to further her education. “I would go to college and study all of Doug,” she laughed. “All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.” At times the 17-year-old sex kitten seemed more like she was posing for Playboy than being interviewed by an entertainment website — pouting provocatively, tossing her abundant blonde mane, and stroking her tanned and toned thighs.

But, when asked what it is about Doug that inspires her, Courtney took no time in getting straight to the point. “He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me,” she said.

I have to go make a suicide now. Good night everyone! God is dead.

Courtney Stodden, WHO IS SEVENTEEN-YEARS-OLD, somehow managed to talk her 51-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND Doug Hutchison, into taking her to Hollywood for Labour Day Weekend, which I apparently missed because I generally try not to follow the actions of a child prostitute because I’m pretty sure that counts as pedophilia. Anyway, here’s some of Courtney’s hilarious tweets, where her complete lack of self-awareness is matched only by her desire to make everyone feel uncomfortable by talking about her underage hoo-haa.

@CourtneyStodden: As a white-knit over-sized sweater softly drapes over every curve of my body, I gracefully float through the flowery fields of California…

@CourtneyStodden: Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!

And my personal favorite…

@CourtneyStodden: Drenched within a very sensuous Sunday morning! God Bless! “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3

Yup, pedophilia is okay because as long as you commit it to God. Thank you, teenage prostitution clumsily disguised as religion!

Guess who turned seventeen yesterday? Yes, it’s America’s favorite burn-victim-turned-child-prostitute, Courtney Stodden! According to RadarOnline, everyone’s favorite 51-year-old-banging, lizard faced whore celebrated her big one-seven, which makes her still a child, by going out shopping with her husband Doug Hutchison, who is in his fifties and is sticking his dick in an underage teenager, for lingerie. This has to be a felony. It just HAS to be.

“I’m so happy! This is the best birthday ever,”Courtney gushed about her big day. “17 is going to be even better than 16 because I’m going to spend the whole year with my wonderful husband!”

“There’s never a dull day with Courtney around,” Doug told RadarOnline.com. He surprised his 17-year-old wife with her first birthday gifts from Victoria’s Secret, her favorite store.

Really? No one at that store saw a fifty-one year old man buying sexy underwear for a seventeen-year-old girl and thought, “Holy shit, if I actually sell this shit to them, does that make me an accessory to pedophilia?” Shit on a biscuit, man … just, how? How do we, as a society, allow this to happen? I mean yes, she looks like a forty-year-old run-down prostitute who just got a face transplant and is trying to figure out how to make it look sexy, but still, SHE’S STILL A TEENAGER. Jesus tap-dancing Christ …

See? I wasn’t kidding when I said that Courtney Stodden, the SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD WHORE, and Doug Hutchison, the 51-YEAR-OLD MAN WHOSE MARRIAGE TO A MINOR IS IN NO WAY CREEPY, were basically the new Speidi. Because reality TV is, if nothing else, just one huge breeding ground for the absolute worst aspects of humanity, they’re both in talks to get their own show and even went on a morning talk show to prove that a 51-year-old sticking his penis in a sixteen-year-old is completely normal by using simple math.

“51 + 16 = love,” Doug told Australia’s The Morning Show was the secret of his successful marriage with his blonde bombshell wife by his side.

“51 + 16 = sexy love,” Courtney chimed in with her husband who is 35 years her senior.

“His face, of his body of his sexy hair!  Talk about seducing – he seduced me immediately. I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!” SOURCE

Yes, 51 + 16 = sexy love. Or, you know, it equals 67. I guess when you’re a child prostitute you don’t really need to know math at that point. And I love how during their little interview, one of the straps on her shirt is down the entire time because I’m assuming she thinks it’s provocative when in reality it just makes her look like a prostitot who raided her daddy’s liquor cabinet in order to forget the fact that she has to like 51-year-old taint for the rest of her life.

Get ready for the single most uncomfortable moment of your entire day: Here’s sixteen-year-old (I repeat: SIXTEEN. YEARS. OLD.) Courtney Stodden (child bride of actor Doug Hutchison) posing in a ridiculously tiny red swimsuit because child pornography is a disturbingly lucrative business move (see: Lords, Traci and Corrigan, Brent). Oh, and here are a couple of her most recent tweets, in case you were thinking this entire thing wasn’t TESTICLE-SHRIVELINGLY TERRIFYING

Had a productive fulfilled day. Wrapping it all up now by playin’ fetch with my precious pink pooch. Talk about a cherry on top of a sundae! Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this whore? How does someone who is barely old enough to drive a car somehow able to come across as an aging cougar trying and failing to be sexy? I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that she looks like a middle-age trailer-trash skank with five kids and a husband who throws empty beer bottles at her when she talks during NASCAR. Oh, and here’s a picture of her. SURPRISE! You’re a pedophile now. That’s what Courtney Stodden does to people.

All right, I’m about to share with you a little trade secret: The formula to decide who I do and do not write about. It is rather mathematical, so get ready for numbers and variables:

X = [(Fame/100) + (Blog Appearances/10) + (Lulz/100) + (Desperation for a post over/10)] / 2

Basically, if X is greater than or equal to one, a post will be written. As you can see, if someone isn’t really famous, the amount of lulz that can be extracted from the story, the number of blogs the story is running on or my desperation to find one more post to write about can outweigh the fact that they’re useless nobodies. Which is why I’m making a post about Lost actor Doug Hutchison and his mail-order Russian herp-bride-looking thing, the 16-year-old Courtney Stodden, and how they’re demanding $3 million per interview.

From: Jeremy Baumhower
To: Doug Hutchison
Sent: Fri, Aug 5, 2011 7:11 am
Subject: Radio Tour Request for Courtney

Doug, Krista, Courtney,

My name is Jeremy Baumhower and I am the executive producer of Mass Media Prep, which consists of 660 radio morning shows across the country. We would LOVE to get Courtney, or any combination of you three for a radio tour. A tour is back to back interviews via the phone with the biggest shows in the country. We would ask for 2-3 hours and you would be in front of 10 to 20M people. We would make every show play Courtney’s music and you can promote anything you wish. Please call me when you get this email. Congratulations on your wedding!!

Thanks

JB

Jeremy Baumhower
Mass Media Prep
Executive Producer and Writer
Professional Booker
419-[redcated] / 419-[redacted]
*Follow me on Twitter @jeremytheproduc

On Aug 5, 2011, at 10:53 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

we want 3 million to appear

On Aug 5, 2011 at 10:55 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:

it would be numerous radio shows at 8-9 minutes a hit.. I would love to pay that amount but we do not have any funds. Really trying to help her music career is what my thought was ..

JB

On Aug 5, 2011, at 10:56 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

too bad

On Aug 5, 2011 at 11:06 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:

Doug..

Thanks for responding and considering. I really want to wish you the best of luck and love in your world. I love your work, and respect it greatly. Kudos for you for following your heart.

JB

On Aug 5, 2011, at 11:12 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

we want money

On Aug 5, 2011 at 11:15 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:

I understand. Thought we could help Courtney’s career by putting her music first. If you have a change of heart… please do not hesitate to call or email.

JB SOURCE

Oh, thank God for these two. Now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are broke nobodies who can no longer afford to be annoying famewhores, I really needed to fill the void of “creepy vaguely pedophilic man and useless herp-infested fuckdoll who should not have gotten married but did anyway,” and holy shit, have they delivered! And the best part is, they have even LESS self-awareness than the original model! Seriously, between Doug’s flat-out refusal to admit that marrying a sixteen-year-old who looks like a burn-victim-turned-stripper is creepy as hell, and Courtney’s constantly looking like she’s having an orgasm and taking a giant shit at the same time, it’s like Christmas and my birthday and Hanukkah all at the same time, and I LOVE IT.