That’s weird, I didn’t know syphilis could roll. Anyway, because it’s been, like, days since she payed the paparazzi to follow her around and take pictures of her while she staged (her words here, not mine) “sexy” photo-ops, Courtney Stodden decided to call up some photographers to watch her try and rollerskate through sand. Yeah, I know that’s stupid, but it makes more sense when you realize her IQ is the same as her age. Which is 17. Courtney is 17, and this is what she does for a living. How is this legal? The Daily Mail enables:

The 17-year-old stripped down to a red, white and blue bikini and set off on a pair of skates last week in Los Angeles. Her 51-year-old husband, X Files actor Doug Hutchison, tagged along for the ride as the two enjoyed a day at the beach. Never one to miss an opportunity to perform for the cameras, Courtney got in several provocative poses. But while the buxom blonde showed off her svelte figure, Doug was nearly covered from head to toe. SEE THE PICTURES

Yes, a red, white and blue bikini, because only in America can a teenager, with no life skills and a failed-actress mother, marry a washed-up H-list character actor and then claw her way into the D-list by riding fifty-year-old dick and staging photo-ops that would make even Heidi Montag stop and say “Bitch, you’re acting like a desperate skank and it’s not cute” before picking up whatever part of her body just fell off.

It feels like it’s been forever since Courtney Stodden made a stupid underage whore of herself on this blog, but I guess that’s because time flies when you’re not being forced to look at teenage famewhores. Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day, so of course Courtney called up the paparazzi to come take pictures of her sucking on her 51-year-old husband’s noodle (my, that was poorly worded) because what good is having a private, intimate moment if you can’t turn it into widely distributed child porn? Via the Daily Mail:

The couple ordered spaghetti and garlic bread and decided to make the most of their romantic evening together by pretending they were in a Disney movie. They shared a strand of spaghetti, each eating from one end just as Lady and the Tramp did when they visited an Italian eatery in the cartoon film. But the pair’s recreation of the scene was far more X-rated than its Disney counterpart. SEE THE PICTURES

Awww, it’s cute, they’re just like Lady and the Tramp! You know, because Doug is the Lady and Courtney is a filthy fucking Tramp, just look at the nasty pictures! Although they did deviate from the script a little bit, in that the original Disney movie didn’t end with the two of them dying of syphilis.

Look, as much as I hate to give Courtney Stodden credit for anything other than giving pedophiles credibility here by acting like a hypersexualized minor, I’ll give her this: Now that Tila Tequila and Speidi have faded into obscurity, she’s really giving me some a-material with the whole “ridiculous staged impromptu photo shoot” thing, even if I am staring at pictures of a teenager who looks like dying cat in heat trying to present itself. Anyway, Courtney decided to stage an impromptu shoot at a book store on New Year’s Eve, probably because she wants us to believe she can actually read. RadarOnline enables:

She reads! Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison hit up The Mystic Journey Book Store in L.A.’s Venice district on Saturday, and RadarOnline has the pictures to prove it. Courtney, 17, was dressed for the unseasonably warm L.A. weather in the tiniest of tank tops and miniskirts, and her 51-year-old husband seemed to be enjoying the attention she received from photogs and passersby.

You have to love how even RadarOnline, pretty much the only gossip blog willing to humor Courtney in exchange for details on her every move, can’t believe this bitch can read. I kind of figured her Twitter account was clue #1 as to her illiteracy. I’m sorry, but no one who has ever picked up an actual book can look at Courtney’s weird, whorish, alliterative cries for attention and say “yes, that’s what the English language is supposed to look like.” No seriously, the bitch writes like Dr. Seuss, if Dr. Seuss was a serial date rapist with the bodies of twelve dead hookers stuffed in his crawl space.

Look, it’s not often that we feel the need to preface one of our posts with an actual warning, but this is probably the single most disturbing thing I’ve ever posted in my two-and-a-half year career of gossip blogging. Still here? Well, Courtney Stodden decided to ring in the holiday season by dressing up in the skimpiest lingerie available and presenting herself to Santa Claus (hubby Doug Hutchison) the way a baboon in heat might present herself. What follows is nothing short the slow, deliberate murder of Christmas at the hands of the government-produced atomic slut bomb Courtney is. TMZ reports:

Shameless underage famewhore Courtney Stodden couldn’t leave well enough alone this weekend — stripping down to a sacrilegiously tiny bikini in 30-degree weather … and single-handedly destroying our Christmas spirit. We can’t decide if this makes it more or less creepy, but the guy in the Santa suit is Courtney’s 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison — and Saturday, the barely legal couple abandoned whatever shred of dignity they had left … and exchanged dirty talk in the snow just north of L.A.

I don’t really have much to say about this, because Jesus Christ, my eyes (see more pictures here, if you can stomach it). So instead I’ll just fill in the space here with jokes about how Courtney Stodden is a filthy whore. Courtney Stodden is such a filthy whore, even her crabs of syphilis. Courtney Stodden has had more disease-ridden cock inside of her than a KFC. Courtney Stodden doesn’t know what castration is, but her vagina has performed 246 of them. Courtney Stodden has been finished on so many times, she glows under black light. If you laid every person Courtney Stodden has ever banged end-to-end, you’d be arrested for creating a 25 mile long corpse chain!

Despite the fact that we all know a reality TV show is pretty much the end game of the whole Courtney Stodden / Doug Hutchison creepy pederast relationship thing, the two apparently decided to turn down the only reality TV show offer they’ve received so far, probably because the show would have focused on the fact that they’re marriage is creepy and weird and a 51-year-old penis has no business being in a 17-year-old girl. Seriously, try and justify that. If you can, congratulations! I hear there’s an opening at Penn State’s football program. RadarOnline reports:

Courtney, 17, and her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison were offered a spot on Relationship Rehab, a show being produced by Celebrity Rehab‘s John Irwin. It will follow couples living together in a Los Angeles home who would get counseling by world renowned therapists and participate in therapeutic activities and planned events. “Though Doug and Courtney considered the offer, in the end they felt that this wasn’t a perfect fit for the kind of show they wanted to do,” a source told RadarOnline. “There has been a lot of speculation about their marriage and a lot of people are just waiting for the inevitable ‘train wreck’ to happen, but Doug and Courtney have an incredibly strong relationship and seem very happy together,” the source said. “So doing a show about going into ‘rehab’ just doesn’t make sense for them.”

I hate to break this to you Courtney, but the only reason your famous is because people are weirded the eff out by the fact that you’re a teenage girl who married and then banged a washed-up middle-aged character actor into what borders on infamy. You’re not charming or funny or clever; People are just freaked out by the fact that you’re clearly insane, and also because you have some weird Santa fetish that, quite honestly, makes the gingerbread leathermen I’m currently baking look like wholesome yuletide family fun. “Sure, we may be icing our gingerbread men to look like Raging Stallion exclusives, but at least we aren’t a bunch of slutty teenage girls trying to ride Santa’s dick into d-list stardom. Now who wants to ice this Tony Buff cookie?”

Oh for … all right, since people still haven’t caught onto the fact that there is a HUGE difference between calling famous, powerful celebrities on their shit and a bunch of bullies harassing a helpless kid until they kill themselves, Courtney Stodden has decided to take it upon herself to call out bullies who dare challenge her “rillness” and her marrying a 51-year-old for money and attention, comparing it to kids who are beaten and bullied just for being themselves. Seriously. The Huffington Post reports:

In an interview with TheFABlife, Courtney Stodden offers advice to others who find themselves being bullied: “My advice to victims of bullies would be: victims, you need to realize that it’s not [you]. It’s the bully who’s picking on them. It’s their problem. There’s nothing wrong with the victim. They’re perfect, they’re beautiful, and they need to stay true to themselves. Not just because someone who isn’t true to themselves is picking on you. They need to think about that, realize that and embrace the truth.”

Oh hell naw. You don’t get to pretend that being taken to task for your shameless famewhoring is on par with kids who just want to be themselves only to be picked on by small-minded people. The difference is that they’re just trying to make the world a better place and they have to stay strong in the face of adversity. You, meanwhile, paid thousands of dollars to have your body rearranged so that you could marry a pedophile and squeeze a reality TV show out of the whole thing. That’s not being real or making the world a better place. That’s being a selfish ass who only cares about making herself famous. Up your ass for thinking it’s anywhere near close.