Episode 1 in the continuous YouTube series of Courtney Stodden‘s Countdown to her 18th birthday — Watch her as she deals with a sprained foot injury. 135 days and counting …

0:00 – Just so you all know, everyone who laughs at my pain? Dead to me. You hear me? DEAD LIKE LINCOLN!!!

0:10 – So the whole premise of the show is that it’s a countdown to the moment Courtney Stodden is legally doable, which adds a whole new layer of creepy self-awareness to all of this. “Ha ha! It’s funny because I’m sexualizing myself while fully aware of the fact that it would be illegal for a grown adult to perform sexual acts to me!” Also, it’s nice to see that Courtney used only the finest pre-installed editing software to put this together all by herself!

0:45 – So the entire premise behind this show is that Courtney’s foot hurts and she doesn’t know why. Really? You have no idea why? Are you sure it has nothing to do with the lucite-platform-stripper-heels you’re walking around in? If you were a character in a horror movie, you would have been killed off so quickly, you wouldn’t even live to see the end of the previews. Also, Courtney really wants you to think she’s capable of reading.

1:05 – Courtney’s reaction to her foot hurting? Call her Mother, who happens to be lining up Courtney’s next gang-bang photoshoot. Also hilarious: the fact that Courtney changes wardrobe between each cut, but can’t afford a phone more expensive than a flip-phone that was clearly made back in 2005.

1:45 – Courtney and her mother have been talking about dresses for 40 seconds straight. Between Courtney’s “every statement is a question” style of speech, and the fact that her mother’s words are being transcribed in pink comic sans captions, I no longer fear hell.

2:10 – Now we have something that almost resembles dramatic tension, in that it’s the photo negative of it: Courtney can’t do anymore photshoots if her foot hurts this bad! Which is sort of like saying a pedophile can’t destroy anymore lives if his carpal tunnel doesn’t heal up. Also, Courtney’s mom sounds exactly like the emotionally- and mentally-damaged pageant mom you would expect her to.

3:00 – Courtney’s Mom told her to put her foot in some ice, because she needs her bottom bitch back out on the street makin’ her money. Courtney changes clothes and curls up on the couch with Doug Hutchinson, who is dressed like a teenager from the late 80′s/early 90′s. I’m not sure if he’s a pedophile or just reverting back into childhood out of some sense of complete failure over what his life has become, but I’m going to go ahead and guess “both”.

3:30 – You know what the worst part of this is? The fact that Doug, the 51-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO MARRIED A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL, serves as the voice of reason on this show. SERIOUSLY. He points out that maybe the reason Courtney’s foot hurts is because she does everything in stripper heels, but Courtney whines that she needs to wear the shoes and KILLMEKILLME I don’t want to live anymore.

3:40 – Doug touched a sore spot and Courtney almost cries. Is it bad that I actually laughed my ass off? This is what you’ve turned me into Courtney. I am your fault.

4:05 – Courtney is worried that if her foot doesn’t heal up, she won’t be able to do her photoshoot in two weeks. Which is either a total lie, and Courtney just set an arbitrary date to call up the paparazzi and take pictures of her being skanky, or someone actually saw Courtney Stodden and said “yes, I will make sex crimes with you.” And oh Christ, they’re getting into some weird foot stuff now and I’m pretty sure what I’m witnessing is illegal in every way.

4:40 – It’s a week later, and Courtney has gone to the doctor and now she feels better. Yay! THE MAW WILL DEVOUR YOU.

5:00 – And so we come to the resolution: Courtney’s foot is better and she loves Doug and loves her high-heeled stripper shoes and she loves pandering to child molesters!

5:15 – This entire war crime is topped off with, I shit you not, a picture of a birthday cake Courtney drew using MS Paint. This is such a crime against women, I’m pretty sure it just made Susan B. Anthony grow a penis.

5:15 – 7:26 – I swear to God, I wouldn’t believe this if I hadn’t seen it, but this entire segment of the YouTube video? DEAD SILENCE AND BLACKNESS. I just watched the entire thing, hoping against hope that something, anything would happen. Christ, one of those screamer pictures could have popped up, and it would have been better than the two-minute brick of nothingness that proceeded this video. I’m not sure if it’s meant to be used as a time to reflect on all the reasons why you are a bad person and nothingness awaits you after death, but now all I can hear is the laughter of dead children. Screw you, Courtney, you horrible, horrible demon.

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