James Franco’s book about being James Franco

Renaissance-man James Franco (it should be noted, “renaissance-man” is what you call a pretentious douchebag when he’s still in the room) has written another book, this time about being an actor. Chapters include “How to look and act like a cardboard cut-out at the Oscars”, “Name-dropping your way through University” and “How to work Judd Apatow’s balls.” The Observer reports:

James Franco is publishing a novel! And not only that, he has abandoned traditional publishing houses to publish with Amazon. The book is called Actors Anonymous and was acquired by Amazon’s fiction editor Ed Park from Mr. Franco’s agent, Richard Abate. The novel is said to be a fictionalized version of Mr. Franco’s experiences as an actor (and grad student?). Mr. Franco’s first book, a collection of short stories called Palo Alto, was published by Scribner.

Wait wait wait, will there be a chapter about how James Franco stuck a penis on his face and taped himself walking around campus and then called it art? Because that’s how art works nowadays: do something wacky, then hope elitist snobs read way too much into it.

James Franco

Here comes the Kardashian tell-all book!

We all knew it was only a matter of time before a spurned nanny came forward with a tell-all book about the Kardashians, and now that the entire world is tuned into the fact that Kim Kardashian is a lying opportunist incapable of “that emotion you humans call love” (Kim’s word’s, right before she put a cigarette out on a baby’s still-open fontanelle) it looks like one of the family’s old nannies is shopping around a tell-all book about the family, according to TMZ.

Sources tell us … the woman behind the book, Pam Behan, served as a nanny, personal assistant and cook for Bruce and Kris Jenner for years … and spent all sorts of time with the Kardashian girls AND the Jenner boys, Brody and Brandon. We’re told … in the book, Pam makes it clear — she couldn’t stand Bruce’s sons … calling the two kids, “extremely spoiled and disrespectful.” In the book, we’re told Pam also claims she almost lost her job after slapping Brandon one day. As for the Kardashians — we’re told Pam describes her relationship with Kris as a “love/hate” thing … but she seems fond of Bruce, claiming he helped her avoid prosecution when she was busted for DUI a while back. We’re told Pam also promises to reveal some “intimate details” about Kourtney and Kim — surprising, because we’re told the girls were very fond of her.

Wait wait wait … your big exposé is on Bruce’s sons no one really cares about? Oh come on! If you’re going to write about the Kardashians, you go after Kim. Everyone in the literary world knows you have to harpoon the giant white whale. It was the whole point of Moby Dick! Unless of course I completely misread that one … *checks book again* Ha ha! Ishmael‘s a funny name.

The Kardashians

The Necessity of Lisbeth Salander

Noomi Rapace and Rooney Mara

Lisbeth Salander has multiple piercings across her face. Her eyebrows are bleached and her skin is whiter than Ramona Singer’s attempts at belly dancing. Like the majority of her wardrobe, her hair is jet black. It’s purposefully jagged and sharply frames her thin face. The makeup that circles her eyes is dark enough to make Taylor Momsen and Johnny Depp cry Lauren Conrad-esque mascara tears of jealousy. She wears ripped t-shirts that read “Fuck you, you fucking fuck” (a quote from David Lynch‘s 1986 classic Blue Velvet) and she literally kicks ass with the lace-up combat boots she tucks her baggy cargo pants into. She travels by motorcycle and, despite her gaunt figure, lives off a diet consisting primarily of McDonald’s Happy Meals. Her body is a canvas that she tattoos as a physical manifestation of the incredible amounts of pain she’s experienced. She is the girl with the dragon tattoo.

So how did such a seemingly anti-mainstream punk chick steal the interests and hearts of millions of readers and film audiences across the globe?

It’s quite simple, really. Because Lisbeth is not the ingénue of the stories she stars in. She’s the hero. The hero who is so ruthless in her actions that she makes a femme fatale like Lara Croft look more like the damsel-in-distress Princess Zelda.

In the American adaptation of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which hit theaters last week (there was a Swedish version back in 2009), Lisbeth (Rooney Mara) is an expert cyber-hacker who finds herself assisting Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig), an investigative reporter hired as a personal detective by an elderly man (Christopher Plummer) looking to discover the truth behind his grand niece’s disappearance forty years earlier.

With this film, director David Fincher has crafted a piece of art that will play a central role in the continuing evolution of Hollywood’s portrayals of women. At the core of this movie’s significance is the character of Lisbeth, who propels The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo to the forefront of feminist cinema. After all, this is a woman whose SIDEKICK is literally James Bond.

Much like a honey badger, Lisbeth is fearless. When she is brutally raped by her state appointed guardian, she has no problem tazering him, shoving a metal dildo in his ass and tattooing “I’m a rapist pig” on his chest. When she thinks she’s found a serial killer, she doesn’t blink twice before entering his home. In fact, she doesn’t even come armed and instead relies on finding a random object in his house to protect herself with. And when she wants to take down one of Sweden’s most powerful and corrupt businessmen, she has no trepidations about putting on a Lady Gaga-esque wig for the cameras while she drains all of his bank accounts.

In the bedroom, Lisbeth does not limit herself to the parameters set by a particular label. Instead, she makes emotional connections with people regardless of their sex. In one scene, she wakes up naked next to a woman named Miriam (who fans of the books know plays a much larger part in the next two installments of the story). In another, she strips for Blomkvist and proposes that they sleep together. And what middle-aged single, heterosexual man would turn down a sexy and dangerous 23-year-old woman already half way done unbuttoning his pants? Exactly. And obviously, Lisbeth is always on top.

Part of what makes Lisbeth so captivating is that she refuses to be a victim. When someone wrongs her, she doesn’t sulk. She takes matters into her own hands and regains the power that was stolen from her in the moments when she was wronged. For instance, she could have easily reported her guardian for raping her. But instead, the prey becomes the predator as Lisbeth exacts a degree of revenge and punishment that no amount of time behind bars could. Her actions ensure that not only will her guardian never rape someone again, but also that he’ll be forced to live for the rest of his life with a constant reminder of how disgusting a person he is.

It’s women like Lisbeth that Hollywood needs more of. Women who refuse to be subservient and are unafraid to be completely self-sufficient. Too often, movies employ Sex and the City-like clones that “just want to find Mr. Right.” And sadly, many of the films that pride themselves on their “progressive feminist stance” in fact still adhere to patriarchal values.

In 2010, the movie Salt was released and was marketed as a female counterpart to The Bourne Identity. Originally written as a starring vehicle for Tom Cruise, it was ultimately Angelina Jolie who stepped into the lead role. But as Scott Mendelson of Salon.com pointed out, an Entertainment Weekly article by Chris Nashawaty about the film’s alleged “pro-feminism” actually confirmed how flawed it really was.

“‘In the original script, there was a huge sequence where Edwin Salt (the original male protagonist) saves his wife, who’s in danger,’ says Noyce. ‘And what we found in the new script, it seemed to castrate his character a little. So we had to change the nature of that relationship.’ In the end, Salt’s husband, played by German actor August Diehl (Inglourious Basterds), was made tough enough that he didn’t need saving, thank you much,” the article read.

In other words, if Tom Cruise is playing the main character, it’s okay for him to save his helpless wife. But if Angelina Jolie is playing that same character, the spouse no longer needs saving due to a fear of emasculation. Oh.

It’s comments like these that make it easy to picture industry people like Noyce and Nashawaty lighting up cigars with the boys as they congratulate themselves on their “liberalism.”  It’s also comments like these that really hit home the idea that the art we subject ourselves to is still skewed towards preserving the idea that men are on a higher level than women.

Thus, films like The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo are far more necessary than one may even initially realize. We’re in dire need of female characters like Lisbeth Salander who are defined by their actions and not by their genitalia.

When the novel was first published in Sweden, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo had a different title – one that translates to Men Who Hate Women. While it’s actually quite infuriating that author Stieg Larsson’s original title wasn’t kept for the English translation (most likely due to a fear of a lack of commercial appeal), the film remains a powerful tale about that theme—and, of course, about the woman who retaliates against the men who hate women.

The success of the franchise proves that audiences want to read about and see women like Lisbeth. In fact, she’s become such a cultural icon that people are even willing to physically emulate her by purchasing the Lisbeth-inspired collection at H&M (which – as a side note – I find hysterical and completely ironic because the idea of a fashion line designed after her is something that Lisbeth would absolutely detest).

But the point is that The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a story that is exposing a huge void in our pop culture psyche. And audiences are beginning to take notice.

Lisbeth Salander, I salute you.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Kris Jenner also wants your attention too!

Sensing that her daughter Kim Kardashian is facing tons of negative press, and that all that attention should be going to herself (HOW DARE SHE!) Kris Jenner decided that the time is right to promote her new memoir Kris Jenner … and All Things Kardashian by capitalizing on the Nicole Brown Simpson / Ronald Goldman murder and how she could have stopped it all herself. See? All Kardashians are terrible people! Not just a select few! RadarOnline reports:

Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. “Nicole said, “Can you get over here…? I need to talk to you. It’s really important’.” Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. “‘That’s okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important’.” Says Kris, “It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole.” The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. “I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death. I truly couldn’t believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can’t be true.”

So basically, one of the biggest crimes in the past couple decades all hinged on Kris making a minor decision? Why do I feel like Kris thinks this way about everything? “Hmmm … should I go do brunch in WeHo, thereby curing AIDS, or should I just order in and create peace in the Middle East? It’s hard being an all-knowing, all-powerful deity. Someone go plant a tree in the garden that produces a metaphor for the knowledge of good and evil and how it effects a person’s freedom from sin!”

Kris Jenner

Heidi Montag is writing an autobiography!

A couple years ago, Heidi Montag wrote a book with Spencer Pratt, which was about as well-received as a letter full of anthrax. Of course, Heidi Montag hasn’t learned anything from that, because she’s decided that she’s going to dig herself out of the bottomless grave of debt she put herself in by writing an autobiography. I hope she knows that being able to spell out her own name on the “fridgerator” using letter magnets does not constitute writing. AZCentral reports:

A source said: “She’ll talk about the control that Spencer exerted over her, which forced her to make bad decisions that ultimately got her kicked off The Hills. A big chunk of the book will be about how Heidi befriended Lauren and how devastated she was when she ended up dumping her as her BFF. Maybe something positive will come out of it. She’s happy to have people read the full story and make up their own minds.” Heidi is also set to spill the beans on her dramatic plastic surgery which saw her transform her looks with 10 operations in one day. The source added to National Enquirer magazine: “She blames a lot of it on the pressure of being in the public spotlight. She wanted to make herself look like a Barbie doll.”

So she’s going to blame the pressure of being in spotlight, despite the fact that she willingly neglected going to school or learning any sort of life skills because she decided to put herself there in the first place. That’s what you’re saying, right? Oh for … look, if you lay a bear trap on the floor, and then shove your leg in the damn thing, you forfeit the right to complain about the giant metal set of demon jaws biting through your calf because it’s your own damn fault for putting yourself in there in the first place.

Heidi Montag

Dina Lohan is writing a tell-all about Lindsay!

Not one to let Michael Lohan have all the fun and money that comes with telling everyone that the daughter he and Dina Lohan ruined is now smoking meth (or crack), Dina has decided that she’s going to hop on the bandwagon by writing a tell-all book about how she turned Lindsay Lohan into a decaying black hole of drugs, irresponsibility and entitlement, because if you can’t be a good mother, you can be a good opportunist! TMZ reports:

TMZ has obtained the draft of a prologue for Dina Lohan’s memoir, which Dina’s rep is shopping to people in the literary world. In the prologue, Dina writes: “I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living–and it tore me up inside.”

Dina explains why she moved Lindsay from New York to L.A. at such a young age: “How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone.”

When Lindsay began acting crazy, accumulating mugshots and what not, Dina says she was helpless, claiming she couldn’t demand that Lindsay return to New York. Dina also confesses she was conflicted since she was both Lindsay’s parent and manager.

You have to love how quickly Dina plays the victim card here, just in case you were wondering where LiLo got that from. She was completely powerless to stop Lindsay from partying and drinking and drugging! Which is exactly why she told Lindsay not to take a drug test when she was in rehab. Or why she parties with her daughter to the point where they actually start making out with each other. Or why she decided that she needed a reality show where she pushes her two other kids into showbiz because that worked out so well the last time. Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, enable ‘em.

Dina and Lindsay Lohan

Barnes & Noble removes DC graphic novels

In a move of retaliation, Barnes & Noble bookstores are removing DC graphic novels from their available content, including the Superman, V for Vendetta, Batman, and Watchmen titles. The decision came shortly after DC Entertainment cut an explicit deal with Amazon, one that places DC electronic content exclusively on Amazon Kindle products. Furthermore beginning November 15th DC graphic titles will be made available on the Kindle Fire only, the same day the Fire becomes available. With the shutdown of Borders this means that DC comics will not be available at any mass market bookstore, thought customers can still special order these at B&N bookstores or go online to buy them. In a statement B&N chief merchant stated “Regardless of the publisher, we will not stock physical books in our stores if we are not offered the available digital format. To sell and promote the physical book in our store showrooms and not have the ebook available for sale would undermine our promise to Barnes & Noble customers to make available any book, anywhere, anytime.”

In response DC Entertainment stated, “We are disappointed that Barnes & Noble has made the decision to remove these books off their shelves and make them unavailable to their customers. DC Entertainment will continue to make our content available to our fans and new readers through multiple distribution channels including locally-owned comic book retailers, independent bookstores, other bookstore chains and other widespread means such as online through Amazon and through our apps on iOS and select Android powered devices as well as new and exciting devices going forward.”

Aside from the statement, DC has made no other response prompted action. Apparently, they believe the Kindle and electronic market to be more lucrative than the physical paperback, probably as a result of their huge electronic relaunch in September to deal with sagging comic book sales. It’s a decision that is either going to make or break the DC relaunch, either way, one thing customers can do to fight back; support your local bookstore!

DC

Martha Stewart’s daughter is ready to tell all!

Because it’s pretty much gotten to the point where you can’t even be in the same elevator as a d-list celebrity without having to write a tell-all book about how they farted, Martha Stewart‘s daughter Alexis Stewart is now writing a memoir about life with her infamous mother. Spoiler alert! It turns out Martha is batshit crazy and demands absolute perfection from everyone around her, an esoteric fact known only by Martha, her family, and absolutely everyone in the entire world. Via Us Weekly:

“Martha does everything better! You can’t win!” Alexis, 46, writes of her mother, 70, in her new book Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, out October 18. “If I didn’t do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head.”

“Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly,” Alexis reveals in Whateverland. “She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, ‘Now wrap these but don’t look inside.’”

“My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off,” Alexis writes. “For god’s sake! My mother’s dogs p–s and s–t on her rugs and she’s telling people to take their shoes off?

“[She] always peed with the door open,” Alexis continued of her mother’s bathroom hygiene. “I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!’”

No shit. You’re telling me the crazy lady who spends way too much time obsessing over minute details and is famous for fancy arts and crafts might be completely out of her mind? Hell, I’d be more surprised if someone wrote an entire memoir stating that she was completely lucid and normal and friendly. “What’s that? Martha Stewart is a real human being with thoughts and feelings and rational, sane ideas? What fucking witchcraft is this? *Throws book in the fire* Why does it scream while it’s burning?”

Martha and Alexis Stewart

Rickey.org Better By 30 OMG Blog KARL IS MY UNKLE
ArjanWrites I Don't Like You In That Way PopSugar Starcasm