Bad news for Lindsay Lohan: Considering she hasn’t worked in, like, forever, while her mother continues to suck her dry like the succubus we all know she is, her funds are starting to run low and she might not be able to pay for her rehab bill. But no worries! PETA is willing to pony over the cash for her stay as long as she ditches her addiction … to meat. Ummmm, hate to break it to you, but that’s not what she’s in for.
We understand that you’ve fallen on tough economic times, so we’re writing to you with an offer that we sincerely hope you’ll consider. PETA will help pay your $50,000 bill for substance addiction treatment if you’ll rid yourself of one more toxic substance: meat. As you know, a crucial part of any recovery is showing charity to others. One way to do this is to be kind to animals, the Earth, and your own body. You’ll never regret it. Please let us know if you’d like to take us up on our offer.
Michelle Cho, PETA
Alright, before I launch into my jokey little tirade here, let’s get one thing out of the way: FUCK YOU PETA. Alright, now onto the rant: I know I’ve more or less given up on Lindsay Lohan because the bitch is up to her eyeballs in denial, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that PETA pretty much just took a big steaming dump on the subject of addiction, which is a serious mental health issue. But hey, at least you saved a cow, right? Man, I’m sure that cow would really appreciate your help if, you know, cows were capable of feeling emotions or understanding mercy, which they can’t because they are fucking cows.