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sadly, paris hilton did not get the death penalty!

sadly, paris hilton did not get the death penalty!
July 5, 2010 JEREMY FEIST

So by now you’ve probably heard that Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for pot possession, which is like an extra special Fourth of July gift! (or Pride Day, depending on your location) Well, as it turns out everything is actually fine for her and she’s not in jail anymore. What a goddamn letdown that was. Well, at least we’ll always have those special couple of days where we all thought Paris Hilton was rotting in a South African prison.

“I had nothing to do with it,” she Twittered. ” … There’s a lot of crazy rumors going around. Just want you all to know the truth. Everything is completely fine. I was not charged or arrested, cause I didn’t do anything. I was assisting the police with the investigation and answering their questions. Everyone was super nice and friendly to me. I love South Africa! Such an amazing place, especially during The World Cup! Hope that clears everything up. Love you guys, thanks for your concern. Xoxo P.” SOURCE

Thankfully, we here at POPBYTES have a very special “Bullshit to Truth” converter, so let’s take that for a spin, shall we? Here’s what Paris Hilton meant to say …

“Weed? Bitch please, what am I? Seven? Christ … I was actually smuggling fifteen pounds of crystal meth up my vagina. The police were super bitchy and mean to me, but thankfully I just kept throwing Daddy’s money at them until everything was okay again! Also, South Africa is a dump and I eat adorable puppies as a delightful between-meals snack!”