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All T, All Shade: Predicting RuPaul’s Drag Race’s top 3

All T, All Shade: Predicting RuPaul’s Drag Race’s top 3
March 27, 2013 JEREMY FEIST
RuPaul's Drag Race Season Five

RuPaul's Drag Race Season Five

Because of the lack of a new episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race this week, we figured that we’d have no new All T, All Shade this week. But since this week was a full-season recap, and because it’s kind of a slow news day, we decided to do a special version of ATAS where we predict who’ll make it to the top three. To make sure we over think this as much as possible, we’re basing this on two perameters:

  • The queen’s current scores: The queens’ scores can measured based on their weekly rankings in the competition. Wins are worth 3 points, high worth 2, 1 for safe, -1 for low, and -2 if the queen had to lipsynch for her life.
  • The last three challenges: According to Wikipedia, the next three challenges before the finale are a Telenovela acting challenge, a makeover challenge where the queens drag out veterans, and a challenge where the queens will make a dress out of candy. We can weigh the queens’ strengths and weaknesses against these and make a more-or-less informed call on their chances.

Jinkx Monsoon – 15 points

Jinkx Monsoon

On paper, Jinkx Monsoon is currently the queen most likely to win the competition. She’s been top three every week (save for the first two) and won herself The Snatch Game, and has never been bottom three. She can sing, she can dance, and her makeup and styling skills have been getting better every week. But the biggest hurdle for Jinkx right now are the final two challenges: Can Jinkx’s painting realistically transform a vet into a drag queen, and can she do ball-worthy glamour? She’s got the numbers in her favour, but she’s going to need to bring it harder than ever for the final stretch.

Alaska – 9 points

Alaska Thunderfuck

Alaska is the underdog of this season, what with the constant comparisons to Sharon Needles and her kooky, Divine-like drag. That being said, Alaska is a well-rounded queen and has performed consistently well in the competition. But her strength is also her biggest weakness: Alaska refuses to play it safe. While this has worked in her favour in comedy challenges, this is also the reason why she landed in the bottom twice. That being said, Alaska is multi-talented enough to cover her bases and make her way to the top three.

Detox – 8 points

Detox Icunt

At the beginning, I pegged Detox as one of the queens to beat, but right now, she’s on somewhat shakey ground. Detox has mostly played it safe, with only two top three placement and one lipsynch against her. Her biggest setback is … How do I describe it? As Kristen Johnson put it, Detox has a sense of over it-ness to her, and there’s a layer of ironic detachment to everything she does. She’s a funny queen, and Detox is well-rounded enough to breeze through the next three challenges, but if she wants to win, she’s going to need to drop the hipster attitude and commit.

Roxxxy Andrews – 7 points

Roxxxy Andrews

While Roxxxy started off strong in the competition, she’s been faltering the past couple weeks, and I think it has a lot to do with the disbanding of Rolaskatox. Make no mistake, Roxxxy’s a talented queen, but she’s not a self-sustaining unit: While she has plenty of skill, she lacks Alaska and Detox’s creativity. Furthermore, she’s kinda stuck in a rut of being juicy and sassy, which initially worked, but I think might be wearing on the judges. The next acting challenge is going to further test her, and the makeover challenge may also tell if she can translate her pageant drag onto a straight boy.

Coco Montrese – 2 points

Coco Montrese

Coco currently has two major strikes against her: The first is that she’s a strictly lipsynch kinda girl. She’s not well-rounded enough to really last much longer. The second is that she has a terrible attitude, and will shut down and lose focus if she doesn’t get her way. Coco may have won the comedy challenge, but that was mostly because of Jeffrey Moran, and aside from that, she’s been either safe or low every other week. She can’t really act, and her make-up skills probably won’t translate well onto anyone else but her, but there is one hail mary that can get her through: The bitch card. She’s the season’s biggest bitch, and her ability to make good TV might keep her in long enough to win.

Alyssa Edwards – 0 points

Alyssa Edwards

Yeah, she’s not long for this competition. Alyssa’s biggest strength has been her dancing, and since none of the remaining challenges involve ballet, there’s a good chance she’s going home soon. Much like Coco, she has one win under her belt and a string of safe-to-low placements. However, Coco so far has proven to be a stronger lip syncher in the competition, and right now, Alyssa is the most likely candidate to sashay away next.

The Final Verdict

Right now, we can safely count out Alyssa and Coco, since neither of them have been consistently good enough to stay in the competition. This leaves it up to Roxxxy, Alaska, Detox and Roxxxy to duke it out for the top three. Jinkx has the numbers on her side, while Alaska’s momentum makes her stand out as a candidate to place. This leaves the final spot between Detox and Roxxxy, and at this point, even that’s too close to call. That being said, point a gun to my head and I’d have to say Detox, if only because her makeup skills and her styling are slightly stronger than Roxxxy.