Welcome to a new little feature on PopBytes we’re calling All T, All Shade, where we condense an entire episode (which you can watch below) of RuPaul’s Drag Race down the juiciest, tastiest bits for your consuming pleasure! We’re not going to do a full play-by-play, because those take forever and I already do one of those on another blog, so instead, we’ll be pulling out the meatiest chunks and focusing on those. To break things in, we’ll be reading the queens over their performance last night:
Alaska – Top 4
I actually thought that Alaska totally lived up to her hype, and then some. She talked pretty openly about her relationship with Sharon Needles, and I thought her plastic dress was absolutely beautiful. I actually thought she should have won, if only because she took the cheapest material and made it look the best. That being said, did that bitch really bail out on the first mini-challenge? Well, like they always say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t keep her in there for too long or she might drown.
Alyssa Edwards – Safe
Wow, Alyssa. What’s happening here, sweetheart? There have been a lot of bitches on Drag Race, but few came out of the gates swinging the way you did. I wouldn’t even mind if you had the talent to back it up, but your dress made you look like Rita Repulsa, and you look like the love-child of Kenneth the Page and a Skeksis. Also, I’m not sure if anyone caught this in the Untucked, but when Alyssa smiles, her entire lower jaw retreats to the back of her throat. That’s weird, right?
Coco Montrese – Safe
You know, I wasn’t totally sold on Coco when I first saw her during the Meet the Queens videos, but she’s grown on me. I think there’s something there that’s going to keep her around for the long haul, and I can’t wait to see her Janet Jackson impersonation during The Snatch Game. That being said, she needs to lose the blue contact lenses, because they make her look like she has cataracts.
Detox – Safe
I was worried that Detox might be the season’s bitch, but in reality, she actually reminds me a lot of Raven. There’s a lot of polish and wit to her, and I think she’s the one to beat this year. Her queen bee outfit was killer, her photoshoot was stellar, but the plastic surgery is looking a little scary. If Detox asks you if you want to see a pencil disappear, just say no.
Honey Mahogany – Safe
Oh yeah, that’s right, Honey Mahogany was there wasn’t she? Actually, I think she’s very pretty and sweet as can be, but I think she kind of melted into the background, and I really wish she would step out a little bit more. I’m not saying she blended into the wallpaper, but Lineysha Sparx’ dress would have looked like camouflage on Honey.
Ivy Winters – Top 4
Pretty. Makes nice dresses … that’s about all I have for her. I actually really love her aesthetic, and she’s pretty cute as a boy, but she needs to destroy that wig she wore on the mainstage last night and bury it in a shallow grave.
Jade Jolie – Bottom 3
Oh my lord, isn’t she just the cutest thing ever? I love that she has a porn past (represent!) and that she’s totally serving Lisa Frank realness. But girl needs to learn how to edit, because her NBC peacock chest-thing was not 30 rockin’ it for me. Actually, I think if she had done that around the waist, it would have been way more successful, but as it was? A little busy.
Jinkx Monsoon – Safe
Yay Jinkx! Actually, for such a wacky queen, she didn’t really have a lot of memorable moments last night. I’m sure she’ll flower more as the season goes on, but Seattle’s premiere Jewish narcoleptic drag queen is going to need to stand out a little, or else her chances are going to start nodding off pretty fast.
Lineysha Sparx – Top 4
Holy hell, is Lineysha ever pretty. No, seriously, Lineysha is really hot as a boy. Anyone else getting some undie-tingles off of her? For reals. I know a lot of people thought Lineysha should have won last night, and I really loved her dress, but I think it was just a little too voluminous. Gorgeous as all hell, but it just seemed kinda large on her petite frame.
Monica Beverley Hillz – Safe
You know, I kinda wrote off Monica when I first saw her, but she’s actually grown on me. I like her banji style, and I think she’s actually quite sweet. I look forward to seeing what she has to offer because I think there’s something neat bubbling beneath the surface, but girl, you were supposed to design a dress for the red carpet, not the red light district.
Penny Tration – Eliminated
Oh Penny, what happened? I had really high expectations for you, and you fell flat on your face. I probably should have figured something was wrong when the only thing I heard you say was “fan favourite!” over and over again. I thought she came off really sweet and endearing in the Meet the Queens videos, but oooooooo girl, she didn’t bring it. Her dress looked like a tube, her make-up looked so five o’clock shadow that it bordered on dusk, and she didn’t even know the words to the lipsynch. How does someone not know the words to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA?” I’m pretty sure it’s just the same five words repeated over and over again. Honestly, I really would have loved to see more out of her, but she stumbled hard.
Roxxxy Andrews – Winner
Like Detox, she’s one of the queens to beat this season, and her first episode win indicates pretty good things for her. For the last two seasons, the queen whose won the first main challenge ended up winning the competition, so Roxxxy may pull off the hat trick here. I don’t have a lot of cons for Roxxxy to be honest, and I actually think she’s really cute as a boy.
Serena Cha Cha – Bottom 2
BIG. FRIGGIN’. EYEROLL. Good lord, was Serena just exhausting. I’m not sure which art school Serena went to, but if it involved sparkly lederhosen and hula skirts made of tube socks, it probably wasn’t that hard to get into. I would forgive her the transgression if she was actually nice, but every word at her mouth was a hilarious attempt at reading that fell flatter than her chest. Serena just seems like what would happen if someone tried to clone Ongina and failed.
Vivienne Pinay – Safe
Vivienne Pinay was a queen who was there. That’s about it.