In the Internet Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The creators who actually create content, and the bloggers who needlessly debate them for the sake of a post. These are their stories.
Just to clarify before I jump into this: I bow before the altar of RuPaul. The fact that I dedicate at least one week a year to singing her praises exemplifies that, I hope. And as much as I trust her judgment … well, it’s time to play devil’s advocate. There are some queens on the show who got a bit of a rough shake, and this is my way of giving them some credit where credit is due. The judgment here is simple: Did a queen go home too early? If so, did she go home over something that micro rather than something macro? And most importantly, are they a queen who could have conceivably made it through the rest of the challenges and won? I’m throwing myself before the court of Judge Rudy here. Let’s do this.
Your honor, let me defend Willam here: Yes, she was held back a bit by her ultra-satirical character (Detox suffered from the same setback, weirdly enough) but when she buckled down and committed, she proved she could pretty handily run with the best of them. And the only reason she isn’t higher up on the list is because, well, elimination. Hell, she even won the episode she was eliminated on, which is the weirdest f*cking turn of luck ever. I doubt she’s losing too much sleep over it anymore, but still, she easily could have won.
#5: Jessica Wild
Judge Rudy, I submit to you the notion that Jessica Wild is easily the best queen no one ever talks about. Sad but true. She blazed through season two on a string of high placements and near wins before eventually scoring a con-drag-ulations in the Rocker Girls challenge. But one misstep in the book and marketing challenge and she was sent packing. And yet, was she really the worst? Despite a rough grasp of the English language, she still did pretty well all things considered, while Tatianna did equally bad in her native tongue. And really, anyone who can give us a line like “I’m going to feel that I am a pollo so the Chicken enter fierce” deserves some love.
#4: Ivy Winters
Honourable Judge Rudy, I have but two words for you here: Ivyyyyyyyyyyyy Winterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs! If there was ever a queen who was overqualified to win, it would be her. She was somehow simultaneously a seamstress, a knife-juggler, a fire-eater, and even an opera singer, all rolled up into one drag queen. That’s NUTS, in the best possible way. Hell, her perfume commercial was pretty decent, even if she didn’t pop too much. She was a sweetheart, til the very end. Also, quick sidebar here: Her paper dress totally reminded me of Leslie Knope’s wedding dress, and I love her for that.
#3: Latrice Royale
Members of the jury, I think we can all agree that the final four of season four was quite possibly one of the tightest competitions in the show’s history. Honestly, by the time they got to The Bitch Ball, sh!t was being measured in millimeters. That’s right: Things were so close, they had to resort to the metric system, and Latrice Royale was the last girl sent packing before the final three. What hurts is that, despite being in the bottom two three times in a row, it always felt a little unearned. She was actually a pretty great debater in the Frock The Vote, but she had a bra-strap out of place, and while the daddy she made over looked great, she just didn’t look enough like her. As I said, it really came down to the last millimeter, but I really was pulling for the honorable Judge Rudy to keep them all together until the end.
#2: Ongina, Shannel, and the Drag School of Charm episode in general
I really need to reiterate here: Ru, I love you. I love you so, so, SO much. But … yeah, I gotta voice my dissent on this episode. The wrong girl won and the wrong girl went home. Shannel may have been a bit full of herself through season one, but I have to agree with her on this one: The transformation she pulled on Sweet Pea was absolutely killer, and her style translated perfectly onto her. Rebecca Glasscock, on the other hand, put her daughter in a plastic wig. And don’t even get me started on Ongina being sent home! Ongina was fabulous from beginning to end! Her elimination was probably the first ever shocker the show ever pulled, but number one could only go to one queen …
#1: Pandora Boxx
Judge Rudy, I’m willing to stake my career as an imaginary Internet lawyer on this one: Pandora Boxx was robbed. ROBBED I SAY! One of, if not THE most beloved queen in the show’s history! A pioneer for every comedy queen to come after her! And, if I may say so, a pretty snappy dresser. No, she may not have been the most polished, but you could never say that she didn’t liven things up on the runway.
She never once won a challenge, but I submit to you that Pandora Boxx should not have gone home in season two’s Golden Gals challenge. Her and her drag mother, Litter Boxx, were adorable together! Their outfits weren’t super polished, but they were fun and campy! And most importantly, they actually looked and acted like a drag mother and drag daughter! Judge Rudy, I throw myself before the courtroom and say that Pandora Boxx was top three material! I rest my case.