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Pandora Boxx’s New Year’s resolutions!

Pandora Boxx’s New Year’s resolutions!
December 28, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Pandora Boxx

The new year is almost here, and for the sane segment of the population who believes that the world isn’t going to end just because the Mayans didn’t feel like making calendars past the end of 2012 (you can really only plan so far ahead when making those things. Also: writer’s cramp), it’s time to whip out those New Year’s resolutions! You know, the arbitrary promises you make to yourself that you’ll probably end up breaking because you came up with them after five glasses of bubbly? Those things. Pandora Boxx announced hers on a blog post on the Huffington Post, and most of them seem fairly attainable.

  • I will try to not be late anymore, but as Blanche Devereaux says, “Better late than pregnant.”
  • I will be more of a giver this year. I’m a receiver or giver, depending on the situation; I just do what I need to do. 2011 is the year of giving, or receiving… oh, hell, just get the job done.
  • I will not drink as much Butterbeer before trying to cast a levitation spell. Wingardium leviosah! Oh, wait, it’s “leviosa,” not “leviosah”!
  • I will stop yelling out “cock party!” in rooms of cute guys just to see who takes me up on the offer. OK, I’m lying. I’m totally not going to stop doing that.
  • I will drink more alcohol and eat less healthy, nutritious food. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Oh, well, I’ll just go with it.
  • I will fuck my way to the D-list.
  • I will stop telling people that Taylor Lautner is my super-secret boyfriend. Clearly, he’s straight.
  • I will not get mad at Rick Perry. Maybe like gay people, assholes are born that way, too.
  • I will stop regifting things I borrow from other people’s houses.
  • I will stop singing “I Want to Know What Love Is” at the top of my lungs to people crossing the street while I’m waiting at red lights.
  • I will spread the truth to all ladies that if a guy is wicked sparkly in the daylight and won’t fuck you, he is a big ‘mo, not a vampire.
  • I promise to give any gay guy a dirty sanchez when he says he’s “straight-acting” or is looking for someone “straight-acting.” Straight guys don’t suck dick, moron.
  • I will try and be fancy like Ke$ha and be P&ora. Uh, never mind, cuz th@ sux.
  • I will accept the fact that you can’t please everyone, and trying to just ends up giving you sore knees.
  • I will be as gay as I possibly can be. Yay, gay!

See? Completely attainable. Personally, I’m trying to ween myself off the specialty frou frou drinks at Starbucks. Mostly because paying five bucks for hot, flavored milk is dumb. Even if it is smothered in whipped cream. Oh, sweet sweet whipped cream … I need it inside me.

Pandora Boxx