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Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are splitting up

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are splitting up
October 25, 2013 JEREMY FEIST

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr

Well, this is going to be the big story of the day apparently, so let’s jump to it: actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr have announced to E! News that they’re splitting up after three years of marriage. So good news! If you’re a fan of the ladies, you now have a slightly better chance with a Victoria’s Secret model, or if you’re strictly dickly, you have a shot at Legolas. And if you swing both ways, then truly, you are the most fortunate party in all of this.

A rep for Bloom exclusively confirms the breakup. “In a joint statement, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced that they have been amicably separated for the past few months,” the rep said in a statement. “After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.”The statement continued, “Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”

No no no, this is all wrong. Have you learned nothing from awful reality TV stars? This isn’t how you separate from your spouse! You’re supposed to lie about them to the press! Fake scenes for your reality TV show in order to make them look worse! I bet you’re not even going to immediately move on to an easy gold-digging target before the divorce papers are even signed. ROOKIES!

PHOTO | FAME/FLYNET

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.