Quantcast
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

No one is buying what the Kardashians are selling!

No one is buying what the Kardashians are selling!
December 23, 2013 JEREMY FEIST

The Kardashians

For longer than anyone really cares to admit, The Kardashian family has been a cottage industry of unrepentant pseudo-celebrity claptrap, churning out mediocrity in order to trick people into thinking they were actually famous. But thankfully, people are starting to realize that they’ve been had, and the Kardashians’ popularity is now plummeting to the point where magazines with their pictures on the cover actually sell less than usual. HAAAAAAAAAAA! Page Six reports …

Sources say Jann Wenner paid $110,000 for a heavily retouched photo of Kim Kardashian in a white bikini, which he splashed on the Dec. 23 cover of Us Weekly under the headline, “My Body Is Back.” But the glossy, which usually sells about a half million a week, sold fewer than 400,000 copies, an insider with access to circulation reports told me.

Bauer’s In Touch dropped 70,000 copies from its average circulation with a recent Kardashian cover, and another Bauer title, Life & Style, dropped 50,000.

Star magazine, from American Media Inc., sold 50,000 copies less than its newsstand draw of 325,000 with its Dec. 2 issue blaring, “Kris & Bruce: Divorce Bombshell: Kim Helps Kris Hide $25 million.”

It goes on to list a bunch of possible reasons why no one wants to buy into the Kardashian scheme anymore, ranging from overexposure to Kanye West being a bad influence (sure) but here’s what it basically boils down to: Think of Hollywood as a fancy chocolatier. Every year, they created delicious new varieties of chocolate. Some had nuts, some had delicious raspberry filling, but no matter how bad some of them were, they were still at least what they were supposed to be: Chocolate.

Then one day, Bunim-Murray realized that they could get away with selling less chocolate at the same price by filling it with more nothing. So they took out the parts that make chocolate actual chocolate, and replaced it with airy nothing, and called it “The Real World”. Other people noticed this, and decided that they too wanted to sell nothing-filled chocolate, so they followed suit, removing more and more from the chocolate until it was practically nothing.

It was at this point that people started catching on that they were basically being sold nothing, so then the famewhores decided to cheat the system: In order to fill the nothing with something, they basically just pooped into a box and called it chocolate, and they sold it to only the most tasteless of people, because they couldn’t tell the difference. But then they started getting careless and arrogant, and started posting pictures on Twitter and Instagram of what they were doing. Eventually, people started catching on, and everyone stopped buying because they didn’t want to pay for what the Kardashians were selling .

But you know what? That’s okay. Some people like it! But you can’t poop in someone’s mouth and call it chocolate. Seriously, even the food industry can’t do it anymore. Go into your pantry and look at what it says on your bag of “chocolate chips”. They’re called “baking chips” because legally, they can’t call themselves “chocolate chips”. And that’s what I’m saying here: you owe it to your customers to at least them know what they’re buying. Because once they find out you’ve been sh!tting in their mouths, they’re gonna stop buying. Merry Christmas!

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.