So despite having a history of acting like an alcoholic asshole, abusing his family and asking cops to arrest him, Nicolas Cage won’t be facing any charges for making a drunken ass of himself in public. In related news, I’m guessing the devil isn’t all that concerned with who he gets “Get Out Of Jail Free” handjobs from now, huh? “Nicolas Cage? Well, he’s no LiLo, but sure why not. No eye contact though.”
“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against Nicolas Cage. After the investigation, the District Attorney’s Office refused all charges against Nick and this matter has been closed. We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite the inaccurate media reports, and that Nick has been cleared and all charges have been dropped,” a statement from Rosenberg noted. SOURCE
Which is all basically a nice way of saying “There’s no law that requires you to be a good person”. And I mean, yes, you can’t throw a person in jail just for being an asshole, otherwise Donald ‘Merkinhead’ Trump would be serving a billion consecutive life sentences of douchebaggery, but still, the guy trashed a tattoo parlor and terrorized his family. Are you telling me that isn’t even the slightest bit non-kosher? This is some fuckery most foul.