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Never change, Farrah Abraham. Never change.

Never change, Farrah Abraham. Never change.
July 24, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

Farrah Abraham

Fresh off the spectacular failure that was her frozen greek yogurt restaurant — which failed because Fox News hacked her website you guys — Farrah Abraham is barrelling onward into the future with plans to turn her erotic novels into movies! Actual movies, starring actual Academy Award winners because I’m sure esteemed actresses the world ’round are lining up to play the screaming entitled beast from Teen Mom. I hear Meryl Streep is already working on her accent. Via Us Weekly

“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy,” she tells Us. “I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”

Although she’s unwilling to appear in the film herself, Abraham certainly envisions movie magic for Fallon. In fact, she’d like to bring in some big names. “I want to have like other awesome actresses and actors,” she continued. “Jessica Alba…Or like, who knows? Sandra Bullock is like really good, too. When you’re an actress you can play any age.”

Yes, because nothing will endear Sandra Bullock to your movie like a subtle comment about her age. I’m sure she appreciated that back-hander. And lest you think Farrah Abraham has outgrown her roots, worry not! She’s already planning on releasing a sex tape with her husband …

“I think the healthiest way for me to continue being Farrah and who I am is to continue writing erotic novels,” she told Us. “Being so sexy, I think that’s for when I get married. And if I ever do another sex tape, I’m probably going to do it with my husband, and you can just celebrate marriage with me.”

Except here’s what we know about Farrah: First, she doesn’t understand the difference between a sex tape and a porno, and if she does, she thinks the rest of us are two stupid to tell the difference. Second, she’s the kind of person who will pay a fake boyfriend to accompany her on a reality show. So with that in mind, don’t be surprised if she somehow comes out with a sex tape from her honeymoon night with Ron Jeremy.

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.