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Most Eligible Dallas? Most Eligible Kill Me!

Most Eligible Dallas? Most Eligible Kill Me!
September 1, 2011 DAVE Q
Most Eligible Dallas

TelevisionBytes with NineDaves

Bravo has long been trying to begin a franchise dedicated to the single life. Two summers ago, they premiered Miami Social – a show that chronicled the single lives of seven friends in South Beach – to dismal ratings and even worse reviews. You’d think that would have been a hint. Yet, try, try again, Bravo is taking another stab at launching a successful singles franchise in Most Eligible Dallas (Mondays, 10pm EST). Or as I call it, “Flop, by Bravo.”

Most Eligible Dallas

It’s hard to spot the differences between Miami Social and Most Eligible Dallas. Besides the obvious difference in location, there’s the same group of vapid, inane, awful people touting the single life – though this time, they have southern accents. If Miami Social is any indication, we won’t have to put up with these chumps for more than a few more weeks.

And chumps, they are. You have to wonder whether Bravo tried to find the most unlikable single people in Dallas.

Let’s see, there’s Matt Nordgren, the handsome “modern cowboy” who can’t seem to make it 5 minutes without calling up another girl to come hang out with him. Matt constantly reminds us over and over again how great it is to be single, and how he doesn’t want to be attached.  Yet he’s so desperate for attention that he fails to realize how pathetic he comes across. Also, he has a Vaio laptop. I mean, really?

Right by Matt’s side is his bestie Courtney Kerr, the girl-next-door with some of the lowest self-esteem I’ve seen on television in ages. Courtney is head over heels in love with Matt, though she’d say otherwise. She spends the first half of the first episode telling us over and over how they’re just best friends and how they could never date, but then gets fiercely jealous of every bimbos he brings around. “All I want to do is get married and have babies,” Courtney tells us, sobbing. Then she proceeds to list the qualities of her ideal man, down to the name of his dog. You have to wonder whether Courtney realizes that after this show, no man in America, let alone Dallas, is going to want to date this bag of crazy.

Courtney’s biggest foe seems to be Neill Skylar, one of Matt’s friends who’s surprisingly the most likeable of the bunch. She’s a 23-year-old single mom to a 1-year old son, and a lead singer of some band that no one cares about. Neill seems grounded and humble – sweet and smart. But that doesn’t stop crazy Courtney from treating her like total shit when they first meet at a group dinner one night.

Remember how Courtney really wants a baby? Well, Neill has that – and obviously doesn’t appreciate that because she – wait for it –is out drinking on a Tuesday night. “She should be at home with her baby,” Courtney cries. “It’s a slap in my face.” Um… are you kidding me? First of all, Courtney – let’s not pretend that you guys aren’t filming a reality show. Obviously Neill isn’t going out every night – she has to be there for filming. Second of all, there is no amount of rationalizing that you can do to justify your actions. You’re a piece of shit.

I kind of wish Courtney’s friend Tara Harper would say that to her. After all, Courtney treats Tara like crap too – telling Tara that the guy she’s seeing will never make her a priority because he has four kids. Courtney also goes on to criticize the fact that he’s been married four times before. Look, I’m not saying this guy’s a winner, but Tara seems to like him. Plus, can we talk about the hypocrisy. Tara’s been engaged four times before! Is that worse than being married four times before? I’d rather have someone who make decisions, albeit the wrong ones, than someone who can’t make a decision in the first place.

I suppose though that’s something we’re supposed to just like about Tara, who describes herself as “Blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs – I’m 100% a Dallas girl.” I do appreciate to that she rescues dogs, and seems to be pretty devoted to her charity, “Paws in the City.” But dog lover as I am, I can’t really stand by someone who has her maid cook homemade dog food and then serves it on china plates. Seriously?

Then there’s Glenn Pakulak – a 31-year-old NFL punter who’s hanging in Dallas while some sort of lockout is happening (what? I’m watching a Bravo reality show – do you really think I know jack shit about sports?). Glenn has a phenomenal body – and takes his shirt off every other scene to make sure we know it. Glenn loves women sooo much that he flirts with anything with a pair of tits and vag, and even boasts about getting boners as a kid watching Family Feud. Congratulations Glenn – you’re officially disgusting. Oh, but don’t peg him as a ladies man. Deep into episode 3, he reveals to Courtney how he’s a hopeless romantic, and spends 4-nights a week at home, wishing he had a cool girl to snuggle up to. Awww. Then he tries to sleep with Courtney, and when she’s not into it, goes back to being a total d-bag. Awww.

But the worst of them all has to be Drew Ginsburg. I’ve never seen a more vile individual on television than Drew. In between drags off his electronic cigarette (which he doesn’t even inhale, mind you), Drew tells us how he used to weigh 425 pounds, but lost most of it due to gastric bypass. His big secret for maintaining the weight-loss has been to inject daily doses of estrogen – which probably explains why he acts like a total cunt all the time.

Although Drew is the token gay of the group, he warns us that he’s not like other gay men:

I’m not your stereotypical gay man. Gasoline runs in my veins. To me there is nothing more exciting than hearing the roar of that engine. I live in one of the most expensive, prestigious addresses in uptown Dallas. I’ve got a view that’s a panty dropper. When I need something, I just press a button. People look at me and say “How the fuck are you gay? You sell cars! I don’t know. I’ve broken the mother-fucking mold all my life.

So let’s so… you’re judgmental, condescending, self-centered, and high-maintenance. You’re obsessed with your weight, constantly flaunt how much money you have, and are totally focused on material things. Oh, and you talk about how often you have one-night stands. Yeah, you sound like a stereotypical gay man to me.

Drew of course would die if he thought that. He goes above and beyond to criticize the gay community – attacks that are clearly due to deep wounds caused by childhood teasing and isolation.  It’s what we call, “Former Fat Kid Syndrome.” It’s not easy growing up a gay fat kid. It’s much easier to attack the community you so badly want to be apart of. Reject them before they reject you.

This obviously carries over to his dating life too. In episode two, we see him go on a blind date with a very handsome and sweet guy. Shockingly, Drew automatically criticizes the guy for being too short and spends the whole date rolling his eyes and pouting. Later, he complains about how hard finding true love is: “I do hope to find Mr. Right, but it’s super hard because everyone in Dallas tends to be self-centered and shallow.” Um … HELLO DREW! LOOK IN A FUCKING MIRROR!

UGHH!!!

So yeah. I hate the show. I hate all the people. But really, the biggest problem with Most Eligible Dallas is that I’m watching every week. Damn you Bravo! Damn you to hell!

Most Eligible Dallas