Because it’s pretty much gotten to the point where you can’t even be in the same elevator as a d-list celebrity without having to write a tell-all book about how they farted, Martha Stewart‘s daughter Alexis Stewart is now writing a memoir about life with her infamous mother. Spoiler alert! It turns out Martha is batshit crazy and demands absolute perfection from everyone around her, an esoteric fact known only by Martha, her family, and absolutely everyone in the entire world. Via Us Weekly:
“Martha does everything better! You can’t win!” Alexis, 46, writes of her mother, 70, in her new book Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, out October 18. “If I didn’t do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head.”
“Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly,” Alexis reveals in Whateverland. “She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, ‘Now wrap these but don’t look inside.'”
“My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off,” Alexis writes. “For god’s sake! My mother’s dogs p–s and s–t on her rugs and she’s telling people to take their shoes off?
“[She] always peed with the door open,” Alexis continued of her mother’s bathroom hygiene. “I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!'”
No shit. You’re telling me the crazy lady who spends way too much time obsessing over minute details and is famous for fancy arts and crafts might be completely out of her mind? Hell, I’d be more surprised if someone wrote an entire memoir stating that she was completely lucid and normal and friendly. “What’s that? Martha Stewart is a real human being with thoughts and feelings and rational, sane ideas? What fucking witchcraft is this? *Throws book in the fire* Why does it scream while it’s burning?”