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Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are probably getting divorced

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are probably getting divorced
August 22, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were a couple I never really understood. Mariah Carey is a singer whose career has spanned 26 years and who is recognized the world over. Nick Cannon was in a movie about high school drum bands, and he’d be lucky to get recognized in a Walgreen’s. I don’t get it. Well, either way, it looks like they’re getting divorced now, and Nick has already been put under a muzzle order. TMZ reports…

Nick is barred from saying anything about the split. If he does, there are severe financial penalties. But Mariah has the right under the agreement to announce the split on her terms. Nick is clearly following orders … check out the video from NYC Thursday — he zipped it. Nick is allowed to say they’re now living separately … which he’s already done. But he cannot say anything about the divorce. As TMZ first reported … the divorce is a “done deal” … the property settlement and child custody have already been hashed out.

Surprise! Turns out, between Mariah and the guy with a song called “Me Sexy” (it’s exactly as bad as you think it is. Don’t. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t.) Mariah is the one with the power in the relationship. Who’d have thunk. I almost feel bad for him. He’s like that guy on The Price is Right who thought he was going to win a car, but then walks away with something sh!tty like a popcorn maker. You were this close to having something cool in your life, but you blew it and now the little yodeling guy just fell to his death! I hope you’re happy with yourself, Nick.

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.