Stoners! Hipsters! Lend me your ears! I know that Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted might seem like a cheesy, pandering kids movie. That’s how a lot of kid’s movies end up. But here’s the thing: It’s totally awesome. I swear to God, I saw it last week, and it’s just … I honestly don’t know how to properly describe it. It is a dadaist masterpiece. It’s an absurdist jaunt through the addled psyche of a sugar-rushing four-year-old. It’s Kurt Vonnegut for kindergarteners. You have to see it, although if we take the fact that it held onto its position at #1 in the box office for a second week in a row, earning $35.5 Million, statistically you already have.
Oh, Prometheus, I didn’t see you there. Well, I guess you’re still around, and honestly, in the grand scheme of things we could do worse than you. But the problem is, you were more “interesting” than you were “entertaining”. You had a lot of good ideas, but it was all just poorly executed. But hey, at least you made another $20.2 Million, so that’s not too bad, right?
True story: My boyfriend came home one day and said “Oh, hey, I had two tickets to the premiere of Rock of Ages, but I think I left them at Northbound.” And I was like, “Well, want to run and get them? It’s only a couple blocks away?” And he was like “Nah, not really.” So we went out and got some sushi, and then when we came home we realized they were at home in his bag the whole time. Honestly, it wasn’t much of a loss, which I think is how audience felt about the movie, since it only took in $15 Million.
Never underestimate the box office draw of a shirtless Thor, as the surprisingly powerful Snow White and the Huntsman brought in $13.8 Million. America has spoken, Hollywood: We want to see more things that are actually made of millions of tiny things. Charlize Theron made of thousands of ravens! Deers made of millions of butterflies! Dwarves made of unrecognizable character actors rather than actual little people!
I have good news and bad news on this one: The good news is that Adam Sandler’s latest turd in the punchbowl of American Cinema, That’s My Boy, only earned $13 Million, which is the worst opening for one of his terrible movies since Happy Gilmore. The bad news? If you factor in how much a movie ticket costs, that means that there are approximately one million people out there who saw the previews for That’s My Boy and thought “Yes, I will pay money to see this because it looks enjoyable!” And odds are, Darwinism does not want you alive.
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.
