WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

Lindsay Lohan has a new (doomed) baby brother!

Lindsay Lohan has a new (doomed) baby brother!

Kate Major and Michael Lohan

Kate Major and Michael Lohan

Because you cannot deny the seductive magic of kicking someone in the vagina, Lindsay Lohan‘s dad Michael Lohan knocked up reporter Kate Major last year, and it looks like the toxic, sloppy entangling of whatever the hell these two are packing has produced a child. Consequently, the average IQ of the Lohan family has now doubled. TMZ reports …

While Lindsay Lohan was sweatin’ it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital. We’re told Kate gave birth to a son — Landon Major Lohan — at 11:39 AM PT. The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz … and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!). We’re told Michael was with Kate the entire time … and even cut the umbilical cord. A rep for the family tells us baby, Michael and Kate are all doing great.

More than anything, I’m amazed that Child Protective Services didn’t immediately taze everyone involved, and smuggle it into Canada.

CPS Agent: I can now confirm that the child has been placed in the care of a nice Canadian couple.
CPS Head: Excellent work … but how can we ensure that the Lohans won’t go looking for him?
CPS Agent: We’ve distracted them with an open bar and an all-you-can-kick-vagina night at Hooter’s, but that can only last for so long.
CPS Head: We’ve done all we can, agent. We’ve done all we can.