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Lindsay Lohan had an epiphany?

Lindsay Lohan had an epiphany?
March 1, 2013 JEREMY FEIST

Lindsay Lohan

In a move that I’m sure has nothing to do with her impending court case, Lindsay Lohan‘s new lawyer, legal wiz Mark Heller is telling E! Online that she had an epiphany and has really changed this time (HA!) and that she’s planning on using this opportunity to reach out to young girls. Yup. Indeed.

“This has happened to Lindsay. Considering all that this girl has been through…It has really traumatized her,” said Heller. “When she was handcuffed and put into detention center with murderers and hardened criminals, it for sure had a great impact on her. And then being re-arrested and facing going back to jail caused her to have an epiphany. Some times the cumulative effect of everything in your life percolates and you have a realization and a clarity that things have to change. The things we are exploring are going to a hospital setting and working with young girls and trying to cheer them up and encourage them to have confidence that their health will improve and have hope,” Heller said. “And going to schools and giving inspirational speeches and encouraging young people to make the right choices.”

“Hey kids, listen up, okay? Okay. I use to be like you. Except not really, because I’ve been acting in movies since I was a kid so in reality, I’m better than all of you. Have any of you ever been in The Parent Trap? No? Then shut your stupid whore mouths. Ha ha! You’re all right! Listen, I’m here to tell you that it’s wrong to drink and drive, it’s wrong to lie to the police, it’s wrong to punch stupid psychic bitches in their fortune holes. Unless you’re famous, like me. Then you can do whatever you want because the L.A. court system is broken as sh!t. Speaking of things that are broken, can you guys help me get my car out of your gym wall? It’s lodged pretty far in there. I think a couple kids may be trapped underneath it too. Peace out, bitches!”

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.