Hope you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight (or ever again!) because here comes a story about how Kris Jenner is lining herself up as the new face for Zestra brand lubricants, which is what you use when you want to have sex long after God dictates that your junk is too dry and flabby for that shit. Oh, and Kris talks about her vagina in her little testimonial for the product, so say goodbye to your penis because it just shot itself in the head. Us Weekly reports:
“You can’t always plan a romantic dinner or wait for a vacation to have amazing sex, so you have to take advantage of those moments of mutual intimacy,” Jenner says in her testimonial. “For me, [Zestra provides] instant gratification. In a busy, complicated, hectic life, you can still fit in the time for sex, and you know it’s going to be enjoyable.”
The E! reality star believes Zestra can “add a little excitement” to any woman’s love life.
“Relationships have ebbs and flows and ups and downs that you just have to go with. You have to find simple ways to spice it up — to keep feeding the fire and keep monotony out of monogamy,” Kris says. “All of us have those moments when we look at our partner and think to ourselves, ‘Seriously? Not you again.’ And, then other times, they are the cutest thing in the world. Try something new and keep an open mind.”
Asks Jenner: “Why wouldn’t you want to try something that makes sex feel amazing and works in minutes?”
Look, don’t get it twisted by thinking this is some sort of ageist thing. It’s not that I don’t want old people to have sex. It’s just that I don’t want this specific old person to have sex, and then tell everyone about it. Let’s face it, Kris is a massive whorebeast, and her vagina is so dry that the friction from kegeling will cause it to burst into flames. If you’re going to get someone to promote “great sex”, maybe try someone whose vagina doesn’t look and feel like sand paper drapes.