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Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced

Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced
September 23, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner

Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner announced their separation nearly a year ago, but they’ve only filed for divorce recently because Bruce took his sweet-ass time putting together the banishing spell. This is why it pays to stock up on Eye of Newt and Deadly Nightshade in advance, Bruce. Anyway, turns out the spell must have worked because they’ve both filed petitions and their splitting their assets, which must have been like trying to move half of Smaug’s bounty out before he could notice. Dude knows how to play the game. TMZ reports …

Kris filed pro per — meaning NO LAWYER. Our sources say this was all orchestrated. Bruce Jenner’s response was filed at the L.A. County Courthouse shortly after Kris filed, and it was a mirror image of Kris’ petition. They give the standard “irreconcilable differences” as grounds for the divorce.

I used to find the term “irreconcilable differences” to be kind of a bullshit term, because it always struck me that the couples divorcing absolutely COULD reconcile it, but they were at a point where they just didn’t want to. But I’m pretty sure there were a few irreconcilable differences here. For starters, you’ve married Kris. How do you reconcile that life choice with yourself? Or the reality TV weddings, or watching as the paparazzi get pictures of your two teenage daughters in swimsuits, or having to wake up every day and hear your wife say “All right, here’s today’s script for every interaction you’ll have with your family. Aaaaaaaaaaand action!” That’s the kind of sh!t that has you reaching for Daddy’s Special Forgetting Juice. (Note: Daddy’s Special Forgetting Juice is a mixture 190 proof alcohol, paint thinner and Tang. Do not drink Daddy’s Special Forgetting Juice.)

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.