WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth!

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth!

In the wee hours of yesterday morning, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick were proud to welcome a new magazine cover baby (I meant baby) into the world. Penelope Scotland Disick, their beautiful baby girl, will have a wonderful life with caring parents, assuming they’re able to keep her as far away from Kris Jenner as they possibly can. Most kids check their closet and under their bed for the boogeyman; these ones make sure grandma isn’t hiding in there. E! Online reports:

“Scott and I are overjoyed to welcome our precious angel Penelope Scotland Disick into our lives. We are forever blessed. Mommy and baby are resting comfortably,” Kourtney tells E! News. The 33-year-old E! star had an all-natural birth, and her new mini-me tipped the scales at 7 pounds, 14 ounces. “It was a great. She had an easy delivery,” matriarch Kris Jenner tells us. “[Penelope] is so cute. She looks just like Mason. She’s so beautiful. We are so happy.”

Awwww, that’s cute! Normally I mock the Kardashians for being awful, but come on: BABY! BABY!!! Anyway, a quick word for Penelope here … congratulations on learning to read this fast. Your auntie Kim never learned to read at all, so already you’re ahead of the pack here. Anyway, chances are a plastic-faced monster that your parents call “Kris” will come into your life. RUN. RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. Just trust me on this. That is not a kind of crazy you want in your life. Actually, I recommend watching Home Alone and copying all the booby traps in the movie. In fact, do not look, but she’s probably behind you right now. Just stay calm and repeat these words to banish her: “No thank you Oprah, I’d rather not do an interview.” NOW RUN WHILE HER SKIN IS STILL BURNING!

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick