Kim Kardashian: Terrorist AND bestialist?

Kim Kardashian: Terrorist AND bestialist?
June 28, 2012 JEREMY FEIST
Kim Kardashian

There are a lot of things I can make fun of Kim Kardashian for: having no talent, failing epically at marriage, being a generally vacuous person, being covered in pee … all things that are backed up with anecdotal evidence, which is of course the best evidence there is. (No it isn’t.) But I can’t say that Kim is a member of Al Qaeda or that she regularly engages in filmed unicorn sex because that’s (A) crazy, and (B) complete bullshit. Yet, two lawsuits have been filed against Kim, the first of which claims that Kim, Kanye West, and the rest of the Kardashian family are secretly terrorists. From The Miami New Times:

“They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium,” the suit said. Plaintiff “Gino Romano” also claims that all of the Kardashian’s earnings are going to Al Qaeda. And that Kanye is the leader of the Chicago street gang El Rukn. And that Kim Kardashian will launch a selection of veils for her clothing line. And that Khloé Kardashian tried to behead Romano.

You can read the entire thing in the first link, and just in case that isn’t enough crazy for you, here’s a lawsuit claiming that Kim forcibly held a man against his will while engaging in an animal sex orgy and making him watch her show.

The other suit, filed by plaintiff “Jonathan Kimberly,” tells the harrowing tale of a simple man who just wanted to get some sleep — but the celebrities in the room next door to his (room #69, of course) were making too much noise. “I heard a bunch of banging, and sounds of sheep,” the suit reads. When Kimberly went to the door to request that his neighbors keep it down, he saw through the peephole (which was apparently installed backwards?) that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were inside, making a sex tape as “sheep, two goats, and a unicorn” looked on.

Know how I know this is bullshit? No one peed on Kim! Get your facts together people! Actually, now that I think about it, I think I have finally figured out what’s going on here …

Kris Jenner: Gino, Jonathan, do you know why I’ve brought you both here today?
Gino: Aliens?
Jonathan: Radio signals in our teeth?
Kris: … Yes. You mustn’t tell anyone though, or our plan to destroy America will be ruined.
Kris: Like fish in a barrel.

Kim Kardashian