WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP
 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape is fireproof!

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape is fireproof!

Kim Kardashian and Ray J's Sex Tape

In case you needed further proof that Kim Kardashian‘s infamous sex tape with Ray J is secretly one of Voldemort’s horcruxes, over the weekend there was a fire at Vivid Video, and somehow, Kim’s tape went unscathed. Apparently, if you watch the original tape, you have to make someone else watch it or you’ll die in seven days. Kim’s sex tape was the inspiration for the horror anthology, V/H/S. I could literally do this all day, I really could. TMZ reports …

The master — think of it as the Mona Lisa of sex tapes — was secured in a safe inside Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch’s office. When the blaze erupted Saturday night … Hirsch was miles away at an L.A. Clippers game. Hirsch got the 911 call and bailed immediately, because the safe not only contains Kim’s tape but every unedited master of every celebrity sex tape in Vivid’s stable, including the ones starring Kendra Wilkinson, Pam and Tommy Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Vince Neil, Tom Sizemore, and Chyna. Also in the vault — several celebrity sex tapes that have never seen the light of day. Fear not … because Hirsch made it just in the nick of time. The safe was singed but the contents were intact.

God only knows what kind of evils dwell within the celluloid of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape …

Steve Hirsch: Oh thank God, it’s safe! Kim’s sex tape is safe!
Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape: BUT YOU ARE NOT.
Steve: *Breaks his glasses* No … but there was time! There was time!
Sex Tape: YOU DO NOT REQUIRE EYES TO WITNESS THE FAMEWHORE HELL WE BRING!
Steve: NOOOOO! *The ghosts from the Ark of the Covenant fly out of the tape and destroy everything*
Sex Tape: HELL HAS FOUND YOU!

Prove to me that didn’t happen. Prove it.